Why?: Day 64

Why? A small word that can have so many answers. Kids ask “Why?” all the time, and we patiently answer their queries. When adults ask the “Why?” question, we tend to want to look for a deeper answer, a more fulfilling one than a cursory gloss over can fill. When I look back over the peaks and valleys of the past 64 days, I think back over my mental hurdles, the multitude of “Why?” question that I would serve up to myself on a weekly, daily, sometimes even hourly, basis. I would lose heart. I would lose motivation. I would, essentially, lose purpose.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. My son has challenged me to go carb free for one week (which he has now stretched into two), and yesterday was my third day of no carbs… It hurt. I was aware of the pain -not a physical pain, but a mental one. A desire so strong to break, to eat the carbs that my mind was craving. I can see that now, in the morning after. My body didn’t really want or need the carbs, or the sweet, but my mind convinced me it did. My best friend (who is also on a lifestyle change) and I even went so far as to go to the grocery store last night in search of a carb free treat that would appease our minds. We bought supplies needed to make a keto candy, but we stopped there. All of the ingredients are still in my kitchen, unopened. When we got back here last night, we remembered that we are stronger than the craving. So we were.

 

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This morning I woke feeling stronger, mentally, for not caving into temptation, and I have gone so far as to call work and asked my co-worker to hide the candy jar before I get to work tonight. Out of sight, out of mind. I have to remember that food, in any form, is not the answer. Not the solution to my problems. I need to stop when I think I am hungry and think about why I am hungry. Am I stressed? Bored? Tired? I need to come up with solutions to the hunger beyond eating.

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But this morning also marked a large milestone for me; 64 days and, I can finally say 20 pounds. I’m still not at a 10% loss, but I am getting there, and once I do, I’ll have new goals to set.

One thing I have to remember as I continue on this journey is that my value is not dependent on how much, or how little, I weigh. I am still working on this lesson, referring back to a post I wrote a couple of years ago, that actually popped up on my memories this morning. You can read that post here.

I need to remember that life is intended to be a marathon, not a sprint, and any change worth making -and keeping- develops over time.

 

M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N: day 50

I did not realize I had gone so long without writing anything, but I guess it goes hand in hand with my title today. Motivation, and mine had waned. The want, the desire to be healthy was still there, beating inside me like a living thing, but my mind, the control center, had become bored. Of everything. I was tired of having the same meal for lunch at work, my salad and baked potato were so meh when everyone else at work was feasting on pizza, or bar-b-que, or, God help me, Taco Tuesday. The heavens aromas wafting through the office made my healthy lunch pale in comparison. And the walking. The eternal walking, walking, walking to nowhere were leeching the remaining spirit from my soul. What was the point of walking if there is no destination?!

It took me a good ten days of floundering around, wallowing in myself, to remember that there is, in fact, a destination, and that destination is a healthier version (and if I happen to be more lean and toned? Bonus!) of myself. And my immediate goal destination is May 18, 2018: my son’s graduation from college. To not be a disappointment to my kids when they look at me, all too much of me, huffing and puffing to keep up with them, and to make them, and myself, proud.

After a mental slap, and a discussion with both the motivation and the desire to succeed, I am back at full throttle. I may still walk to nowhere for now, but I can enjoy the time getting lost in an audio book. I can try and enjoy flavors on those healthier food choices. And, if my food budget allows and I have taken my walk to nowhere, I can enjoy a bit of Taco Tuesday without beating myself up, or giving up.

T minus 89 days and counting down. It’s doable, one step, one meal, one day at a time.

Changes: Day 24

It is hard for me to believe that I am already into my fourth week of this lifestyle challenge /change, something that I can honestly say I would typically have started to half-ass by now. Not really trying, mainly because I would be discouraged with the lack of changes in my body. Failing to realize that the firsthand most important change that has to occur takes place in the mind.

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Here I am, closing in on the end of one month, and I have to admit that it is getting easier. Because of the fight that I am putting into this time (I really don’t want to be this fat, yes, but moreover, unhealthy, anymore), adjusting what I eat, how I eat, and why I eat, and getting back into a cardio mind, I have begun to notice some changes, most of them are small, and seemingly insignificant topmost people, but to me? These changes are mountains that I have been climbing.

The biggest change in me is my energy. It has been almost a year since I have been able to walk at the rates that I have been pushing myself to over the past few weeks, and it feels exhausting!! Seriously, finally pushing myself to a 15 minute mile after so long is kicking my butt, and I take a while for my body to cool, and my heart rate to slow, but I feel good about what I have done. I do vary my treadmill speeds and add the occasional baby incline (I’m not a masochist!) to keep my body guessing.

The other change (I’ve been told by family) is a physical change, a narrowing of my face, and a tightening up pf my legs. These changes I don’t see. Yet. But I know they are coming. I have to take these words with a grain of salt because they come from my family, and they don’t want to see me fail myself again. I know that they say it takes 4 weeks to you to notice a change. It takes 8 weeks for friends to notice it. It takes 12 weeks for everyone else to notice it.

Day 24 and I am down 12 pounds so far, about 6 pounds from reaching my first milestone goal. Am I going to keep at it? Yes. Why? Because I am ready to do it this time.

No Photographs, Please!

Wow. There’s nothing like a new low. I live with it every day, facing it and actively ignoring it. that is until a pivotal moment that gobsmacked me. Going about my day-to-day existence knowing in the back of my head what’s coming. Today was that clarifying, or re-clarifying, moment.

I spent a week sitting on my butt in a hotel learning about writing, what I need to do to create the best manuscript I can, how to query and pitch it, and to never stop learning. Meeting some truly fabulous people in the industry from publishers, agents, editors, authors, and cover models. And I was going to set about snapping my picture throughout the events. That was until I looked at myself in the pictures.

I’m back to being the woman I once was, insecure, unhappy, and way too heavy. Time to figure out a new way to fix and find myself. I have absolutely no idea what the current number on the scale says; don’t really care right now, to be honest. It’s too much, by a lot… 70 pounds minimum, could even be close to topping out at 100 pounds of too damn much.

Eff me. How, or rather why do I do this to myself? I’m an embarrassment to myself, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my kids were not embarrassed by me as well. What a way to represent.

So, I need to drop as much weight as humanly possible before next Memorial Day, in time for my daughters graduation. Here I go again…

#ImNoAngel

I had a dream the other night, one that had the sleeping me feeling so light and joyous, so much so that after I woke and cleared the cobwebs from my brain, I was still feeling the lingering happiness from it. I remember smiling as I swung my legs out of bed, my feet hitting the floor before starting my morning. I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced a dream as completely as I did that night? I can only hope that you have, or will.

What was the dream? (It’s going to sound very narcissistic, but I promise its not!) I was, in my dream, my minds eye, so happy and thrilled with the look, share, and contours of my body, but most especially my stomach. The dream me had a flatter stomach, shapely thighs, and a waist that curved the way it’s supposed to.

After my feet hit the floor, still riding on that sleep high, I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light, looking at myself critically. The difference was, this time I was more accepting of myself. Was this a result of the dream? Or was it a result of a challenge that a friend gives me every once in a while while we are at lunch, having me name one thing I love about myself that day? Or was it me finally listening to my own words that I share with others, trying to get them to change their way of thinking? I don’t know. Was I happy with my body when I looked in the mirror that morning? No, not 100%. I know I have room for improvement, but its nice to not be as repulsed as I once was. I am still a work in progress.

Then this morning, checking my email before crawling out of bed to start my day, there was an email from Lane Bryant with their new campaign, #ImNoAngel, designed to represent the beautiful, amazing, real, average woman whose size falls in the spectrum larger than a 10. The #ImNoAngel message was beautiful put:

Some say

That sexy is defined

In just one way

But I say

It’s how I feel

It’s who I am

I’m all woman

A symbol of confidence

Who writes her own rules

And sometimes breaks them too

I’m beautiful

From my soul out to my skin

Loving every part of me

No matter what I’m in

I’m a woman

Unique and complete

I break the mold

Throw out the old

I’m all kinds of sexy