Why?: Day 64

Why? A small word that can have so many answers. Kids ask “Why?” all the time, and we patiently answer their queries. When adults ask the “Why?” question, we tend to want to look for a deeper answer, a more fulfilling one than a cursory gloss over can fill. When I look back over the peaks and valleys of the past 64 days, I think back over my mental hurdles, the multitude of “Why?” question that I would serve up to myself on a weekly, daily, sometimes even hourly, basis. I would lose heart. I would lose motivation. I would, essentially, lose purpose.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. My son has challenged me to go carb free for one week (which he has now stretched into two), and yesterday was my third day of no carbs… It hurt. I was aware of the pain -not a physical pain, but a mental one. A desire so strong to break, to eat the carbs that my mind was craving. I can see that now, in the morning after. My body didn’t really want or need the carbs, or the sweet, but my mind convinced me it did. My best friend (who is also on a lifestyle change) and I even went so far as to go to the grocery store last night in search of a carb free treat that would appease our minds. We bought supplies needed to make a keto candy, but we stopped there. All of the ingredients are still in my kitchen, unopened. When we got back here last night, we remembered that we are stronger than the craving. So we were.

 

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This morning I woke feeling stronger, mentally, for not caving into temptation, and I have gone so far as to call work and asked my co-worker to hide the candy jar before I get to work tonight. Out of sight, out of mind. I have to remember that food, in any form, is not the answer. Not the solution to my problems. I need to stop when I think I am hungry and think about why I am hungry. Am I stressed? Bored? Tired? I need to come up with solutions to the hunger beyond eating.

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But this morning also marked a large milestone for me; 64 days and, I can finally say 20 pounds. I’m still not at a 10% loss, but I am getting there, and once I do, I’ll have new goals to set.

One thing I have to remember as I continue on this journey is that my value is not dependent on how much, or how little, I weigh. I am still working on this lesson, referring back to a post I wrote a couple of years ago, that actually popped up on my memories this morning. You can read that post here.

I need to remember that life is intended to be a marathon, not a sprint, and any change worth making -and keeping- develops over time.

 

M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N: day 50

I did not realize I had gone so long without writing anything, but I guess it goes hand in hand with my title today. Motivation, and mine had waned. The want, the desire to be healthy was still there, beating inside me like a living thing, but my mind, the control center, had become bored. Of everything. I was tired of having the same meal for lunch at work, my salad and baked potato were so meh when everyone else at work was feasting on pizza, or bar-b-que, or, God help me, Taco Tuesday. The heavens aromas wafting through the office made my healthy lunch pale in comparison. And the walking. The eternal walking, walking, walking to nowhere were leeching the remaining spirit from my soul. What was the point of walking if there is no destination?!

It took me a good ten days of floundering around, wallowing in myself, to remember that there is, in fact, a destination, and that destination is a healthier version (and if I happen to be more lean and toned? Bonus!) of myself. And my immediate goal destination is May 18, 2018: my son’s graduation from college. To not be a disappointment to my kids when they look at me, all too much of me, huffing and puffing to keep up with them, and to make them, and myself, proud.

After a mental slap, and a discussion with both the motivation and the desire to succeed, I am back at full throttle. I may still walk to nowhere for now, but I can enjoy the time getting lost in an audio book. I can try and enjoy flavors on those healthier food choices. And, if my food budget allows and I have taken my walk to nowhere, I can enjoy a bit of Taco Tuesday without beating myself up, or giving up.

T minus 89 days and counting down. It’s doable, one step, one meal, one day at a time.

Life’s Hard Lessons

There’s an old saying of “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” This is a great saying, but over the past 5 years, I have made so many pitches, gallons, and 50 gallon barrels of the stuff with every start and stop along the weight loss trek, that I have probably lost count. I think the worst part is that I have put it here on the world wide web for anyone to see my failures. I keep reaching, thinking that this time it’ll be different. But it’s not. It has yet to be. I think I may have finally figured out the (my) problem. It has all been in my mind set.

I keep going into every year like a cliff diver in competition in Mexico, ready to plunge head first into the depths without thinking about the consequences. I would go full tilt for the first three or so months and hit a plateau, or burn myself out, or hurt myself. The end result would always be the same: I’d quit. I would look at the progress that I had made and kiss it goodbye, inevitably reversing my progress and adding more to where I started.

I thought I was at my lowest point last year when I last took the dive, weighing in at 247 pounds (see my post here). I was wrong. Too much stress eating. Too much mindless, fog eating while at work or at hope. Couple that with no exercise and we have where I am today, I think that, for right now, I am going to keep the numbers to myself. Cowardly? Yes.

I am stepping into 2018 with a different way of thinking about this. I am not going to say that I am on a diet because that way of thinking has crapped out on me too many times. Instead, I am going in to 2018 making a lifestyle change. The four letter word does nothing for me other than making me angry…

What do I mean by a lifestyle change? I am going to focus on altering my eating habits, logging in everything I eat, and keeping my daily calorie count under 1600. I am going to focus on drinking more water, and stepping away from the sweet tea at the golden arches. I am going to start getting more active, slow and steady, building up as my body lets me.

What are my motivations this time? Why am I trying again? There are a few reasons. The first is I am tired of being tired all the time. Knowing I am unhealthy but not doing anything to change it is stupid. I am tired of being an embarrassment to my children (my feelings -they’ve never said anything to me about being embarrassed). Third is my son graduates college in May of this year with a degree in kinesiology, and I don’t want to be the fat mom there. I have a feeling there are so many more reasons on the horizon, I just do not want to wait any more.

How am I going to accomplish this? Wait, just how much is ‘this” that I am talking about? Let me answer the second question first. Overall, I want to lose 100 pounds, yes, I know it’s a lot. That is how much of the too much of me there is. Now, for the how? I have signed up for a weight loss app called Noom to help me get through this change. Add to that eating better, more water, and more exercise. And small goal chunks. My first goal chunk is to drop to 246.4, and I know this is doable. I am going to make an effort to hit the gym daily for at least an hour of cardio to rebuild some muscle, and start erasing some of the fat that I have accumulated.

My goal here is to try and document every other day, if not daily, how its going, how I am feeling, what are my struggles and accomplishments. I would say fingers crossed, but it’s not up to luck or chance this time. It’s up to ME.

Mirror, Mirror

Over the course of this blog, it has morphed from this, to that, to something in outer space, and back to Earth as something else all together. Wow, I’ve either covered a lot of ground, or I have a lot to say, or I just share whatever is rolling around in my mind…I guess that third option pretty well covers it. Now it seems Im going to write about what I started with so very long (almost 2 years?!?) ago.

Back in July 2013 I stepped on the scale and crumbled inside myself at the number. It was an eye opener, that’s for sure (you can read it here). I made the decision then and there to improve myself, eat healthier, get exercise, become fit versus the fat. I went to a local gym, joined immediately, and signed up for twice weekly sessions with a trainer, who I went on to refer to as Sadist in follow up posts.I was focused, dedicated, and happily workingman ass off and stress out of my system. Then the inevitable happened…

I burned out. I went too hard, too fast, and my mind, my focus, blipped out. When I worked out it was, admittedly half assed. I gave up on myself. The shame and embarrassment were back, stronger than ever. I tried to like myself, pretending that I did, but looking in the mirror grew more and more difficult.

Life and death happened. Books closed and new books with fresh pages opened for me to write the new part of my life on…and I have written. I can spin tales, smiling while I do, making everyone believe the lies are truth. Everyone, that is, except for me.

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I hate the mirror. When I do look at it, I hate what I see when my eyes travel lower than my face because that is when I see the truth. What I see and how I react to it? They’re neither one healthy. No, there’s no self harming. But the constant, persistent voice inside my head is back, like an achy tooth. It nags at me, when I look in the mirror.

I’m back to square one, with a lot more weight than I had twenty-two months ago. I need to get back. I need to move. I need to focus. I need to succeed.

I have to start.

Movin’ On

Sometimes I wonder if Julie Andrews was right when,  from high atop a mountaintop in Austria, arms spread wide, she sings, “Climb every mountain, search high and low, follow every by way, every path you know… ”

I’ve talked in past blogs (I think) that a lot of life is based on perspective. A good friend of mine was advised to try and change perspective instead of letting things bother them so much. And they tried to, succeeding more often than not, but it seemed that finally the ability to change perspective just gets to be too much, that there are nor other options. No other glasses to look through. No kaleidoscope to peer through in hopes of seeing something -anything- better than it is.

You’ve lived on this mountain, trying everything to see better. You keep climbing up it, fighting battles, weathering all types of storms along the way. You either make it to the top, or you just know that that climb is too difficult.  Sometimes when you get to that point, at least to my way of thinking, its time to take drastic changes. If you don’t like the view that you have where you’re standing at, maybe its time to move to a new mountain.

You have the ability to change what you see, and how you see it. If you’re not happy, your friends will try their damnedest to cheer you up, but more often than not, the change, or choice, to be happy resides in you.  Is it easy? Nope. Is it scary? Hell, yes. Are you with taking the chance on? Absolutely. Go for it!7b7440cc3ac22a93fc7fbd164437f060