M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N: day 50

I did not realize I had gone so long without writing anything, but I guess it goes hand in hand with my title today. Motivation, and mine had waned. The want, the desire to be healthy was still there, beating inside me like a living thing, but my mind, the control center, had become bored. Of everything. I was tired of having the same meal for lunch at work, my salad and baked potato were so meh when everyone else at work was feasting on pizza, or bar-b-que, or, God help me, Taco Tuesday. The heavens aromas wafting through the office made my healthy lunch pale in comparison. And the walking. The eternal walking, walking, walking to nowhere were leeching the remaining spirit from my soul. What was the point of walking if there is no destination?!

It took me a good ten days of floundering around, wallowing in myself, to remember that there is, in fact, a destination, and that destination is a healthier version (and if I happen to be more lean and toned? Bonus!) of myself. And my immediate goal destination is May 18, 2018: my son’s graduation from college. To not be a disappointment to my kids when they look at me, all too much of me, huffing and puffing to keep up with them, and to make them, and myself, proud.

After a mental slap, and a discussion with both the motivation and the desire to succeed, I am back at full throttle. I may still walk to nowhere for now, but I can enjoy the time getting lost in an audio book. I can try and enjoy flavors on those healthier food choices. And, if my food budget allows and I have taken my walk to nowhere, I can enjoy a bit of Taco Tuesday without beating myself up, or giving up.

T minus 89 days and counting down. It’s doable, one step, one meal, one day at a time.

Changes: Day 24

It is hard for me to believe that I am already into my fourth week of this lifestyle challenge /change, something that I can honestly say I would typically have started to half-ass by now. Not really trying, mainly because I would be discouraged with the lack of changes in my body. Failing to realize that the firsthand most important change that has to occur takes place in the mind.

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Here I am, closing in on the end of one month, and I have to admit that it is getting easier. Because of the fight that I am putting into this time (I really don’t want to be this fat, yes, but moreover, unhealthy, anymore), adjusting what I eat, how I eat, and why I eat, and getting back into a cardio mind, I have begun to notice some changes, most of them are small, and seemingly insignificant topmost people, but to me? These changes are mountains that I have been climbing.

The biggest change in me is my energy. It has been almost a year since I have been able to walk at the rates that I have been pushing myself to over the past few weeks, and it feels exhausting!! Seriously, finally pushing myself to a 15 minute mile after so long is kicking my butt, and I take a while for my body to cool, and my heart rate to slow, but I feel good about what I have done. I do vary my treadmill speeds and add the occasional baby incline (I’m not a masochist!) to keep my body guessing.

The other change (I’ve been told by family) is a physical change, a narrowing of my face, and a tightening up pf my legs. These changes I don’t see. Yet. But I know they are coming. I have to take these words with a grain of salt because they come from my family, and they don’t want to see me fail myself again. I know that they say it takes 4 weeks to you to notice a change. It takes 8 weeks for friends to notice it. It takes 12 weeks for everyone else to notice it.

Day 24 and I am down 12 pounds so far, about 6 pounds from reaching my first milestone goal. Am I going to keep at it? Yes. Why? Because I am ready to do it this time.

The Struggle Is Real: Day 17

Here I am, day 17 of my lifestyle change, and, okay, it is getting easier in some areas, while in others? well, as I said, the struggle is real. The question I find myself asking is whether or not it is worth it? and Is it sustainable?

Is it worth it? The calorie monitoring? The trying of new foods that i have always found disgusting? The getting up, despite the temperatures outside, and despite how tired and unmotivated I am? I really wish I could say “No!” to all those questions, but the truth of the matter is, at least for right now, the answer is yes. In the two full weeks that I have been on this current course, I have only allowed myself on rest day from the black belted beauty (thanks, Carrie B!). I have found myself able to push myself up to a 15 minute mile while walking, which is a far cry better than the 2.5 mph I started out on a mere two weeks ago. I have also been able to keep myself walking for an hour at a time – again, doubling my time from New Years Day. I know that to some people, these steps are minor and less than note worthy. However, when you are edging closer to 50 and classify as obese, if not morbidly so, these are huge feats. Along with the positive change in my energy, I have managed to continue losing pieces of myself, and as of this morning, I am lighter by 8.8 pounds thus far. Again, not a big deal, but I bet my doctor would disagree with you, and I know I do.

It is hard to get up and go take that walk to nowhere every day? Yes, I admit it sucks, but with the cold winter mornings that we’ve been having, not to mention the killer flu epidemic, inside is better than outside right now. So I will keep taking the walk to nowhere every day that I can because it is getting easier, and it is nice to have the energy to do so.

They (and just who is this “they,” anyhow?!?) say it takes between fourteen and 21 days to make a habit, and I know that I am closing in on that milestone! They *rolls eyes* also state that it takes four weeks to begin to notice a change in yourself, and eight to twelve weeks for others to begin to notice the changes in you. Every day is a step closer to someone seeing that I am busting my ass every day trying to get healthy. Meanwhile, I will continue to be aware of what I put in my mouth, and of the steps I take to eliminate the negatives.

My goals remain the same:  1) Reach my first milestone weight of 246 pounds. 2) Add weights to my workout routine. 3) Not be the “fat mom” at my sons college graduation in May. 4) Lose a total minimum of 75 pounds up to one-hundred pounds. I will keep using my support of family and the internet group of women who are members of my Noom team.

I hope next week I will have conquered the ten pound point *fingers crossed*!

 

Mirror, Mirror

Over the course of this blog, it has morphed from this, to that, to something in outer space, and back to Earth as something else all together. Wow, I’ve either covered a lot of ground, or I have a lot to say, or I just share whatever is rolling around in my mind…I guess that third option pretty well covers it. Now it seems Im going to write about what I started with so very long (almost 2 years?!?) ago.

Back in July 2013 I stepped on the scale and crumbled inside myself at the number. It was an eye opener, that’s for sure (you can read it here). I made the decision then and there to improve myself, eat healthier, get exercise, become fit versus the fat. I went to a local gym, joined immediately, and signed up for twice weekly sessions with a trainer, who I went on to refer to as Sadist in follow up posts.I was focused, dedicated, and happily workingman ass off and stress out of my system. Then the inevitable happened…

I burned out. I went too hard, too fast, and my mind, my focus, blipped out. When I worked out it was, admittedly half assed. I gave up on myself. The shame and embarrassment were back, stronger than ever. I tried to like myself, pretending that I did, but looking in the mirror grew more and more difficult.

Life and death happened. Books closed and new books with fresh pages opened for me to write the new part of my life on…and I have written. I can spin tales, smiling while I do, making everyone believe the lies are truth. Everyone, that is, except for me.

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I hate the mirror. When I do look at it, I hate what I see when my eyes travel lower than my face because that is when I see the truth. What I see and how I react to it? They’re neither one healthy. No, there’s no self harming. But the constant, persistent voice inside my head is back, like an achy tooth. It nags at me, when I look in the mirror.

I’m back to square one, with a lot more weight than I had twenty-two months ago. I need to get back. I need to move. I need to focus. I need to succeed.

I have to start.