Time is Flying By

Wow! How is it we are already near the end of August? Labor Day is a mere ten days away? We won’t even get into the autumn and winter holidays that are steadily creeping up on us. *shudders*

Here in Texas, it is the last day of classroom preparations before the public school bells ring on Monday morning, signaling the start of a new school year. Am I upset that for the first time in ten years teaching I am not participating in all of the back to school workshops, trainings, and stress? The answer is a resounding “NO!” Do I miss my colleagues? My friends? Will I miss seeing how my former students have grown? Yes. But I know in my heart that I need this year away from the classroom to focus on myself. I need to be certain that the classroom is really where I want to be.

I have spent my summer transitioning into a new department at the Home Depot store I have been working part time at, and beginning Monday, I will switch to a full time employee. Many people have asked if I am happy in retail and my answer is, again, YES! I am happier when I go to, and come home from, work. My stress level is considerably less, and oddly, I have more time for myself, and my family, and doing things I want to do.

I completed my first manuscript this month, a contemporary romanic fiction that I hope will become the first in a series of four novels. Time will tell how that goes. Life, living life, is about taking risks, doing things that frighten you. I am a self admitted wimp, but this year has forced me to start changing the way I live, and challenging myself with goals. This is one of them.

The other thing I am looking at (again. I know.) is the outer me. I hate it. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I loathe getting dressed because I am so dissatisfied with all of the excess me. Can I blame anyone? Nope. I’ve done it to myself, for the nth time in my 43 years. I need to, and have to, change everything about myself for so many reasons. *sigh* I hope the Sadist (my trainer, if you’re new to my blog) is ready for this. He may need to channel his inner Ghostbuster gamma-ray gun and get ready to blast the Stay Puft marshmallow woman I have become.

 

 

It’s like Fonzie jumping the sharks…

I did it. I bit the bullet, and only because I have a new scale in my bathroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been practicing getting on it bravely -fiercely- but I would make certain to get on it without my contacts in, thus preventing me from seeing the illuminated numbers. I have been circling around the scale, like a shark circles its prey, only, not really because I knew that once I finally took that step, one molecule at a time until I was standing fully on it, there would be no turning back from the reality of what I have allowed to happen.

 

So there I was this morning, walking innocently into the bathroom, happy because it’s the weekend, and I have accomplished a lot toward my writing goal this week. I’m smiling, I’m singing to myself; there are virtual blue birds flitting around me in my mind, for crying out loud! I’m not paying attention to what I am doing when I pop in my contacts and turn to my right, and then I see it. The it I have been able to ignore, overlook, not see no matter how hard I squinted…

 

Now I have no more excuses to delay the inevitable. My mind starts reeling with possible excuses but there is no valid reason to not take this step. There I am, staring at it; oh, it looks all sweet and loving until you step foot on it and then LIES! or what I wish were lies.

 

Okay, I’m telling myself, if it hurts, it’ll only be for a minute. You know the truth will be hideous. You’ve only yourself to blame for this, so suck it up, Buttercup. It is time to face the music. No more delusions. Reality, and a full dose of it, is due. We’ve had a lot of things thrust at us over the past several months, and we coped the only way we knew, but that time is over. There are better ways to cope than shoving comfort food in your mouth, and you’re taking those steps. It’s time.

 

Yes, I had to give myself a pep talk slash guilt trip, but I did it. I eased up on the sleeping beast, tapped its corner to wake it up, took a deep breath, sucked in my stomach (don’t judge me) and climbed on. The numbers blinked and flashed like the national debt billboard until they finally stopped at 237.1

 

It was /is bad, but I did not fall apart. I fell apart in February and May, and too many times in the months between to count. The reality is I can handle this, and I can take steps to fix it. I’ve had the worst and this is nowhere even remotely close. The amazing thing is, even though it did ding my self esteem and body image, making it a little worse than it already was, I am okay. I’m still wearing dresses, or skirts and cute tops to work, I’m fixing my hair, and I am wearing makeup. I did not self destruct.

 

Women mostly, and men, have a preconceived idea of what we are “supposed to” look like, thanks to film and print media. But the world is made up of such diversity, so many colors, shapes, textures, and even sizes. We (and I am mainly talking to myself here) have got to remember and accept that we are not all the same, and I am learning to love myself as I am.

 

 

 

How many “agains” can I get?

I know it has been said by me too many times to count, so I will zip my lips, or still my fingers, and not say that tonight I started over, again, with my trainer, AKA “Sadist.” I will say that I am trying to get my life back on track in all areas that I have let lapse over the past several months while I dealt, literally, with life and death, and leaving a career I truly enjoy at a workplace for an employer that I didn’t. It has been a challenge at times to even find the will to get out of bed, and I am now paying for that both physically and mentally. While I have already started on the mental healing (that is why there has been a sudden abundance of blog posts again: cathartic), I am now ready to start getting back to the gym to get back to a healthier (and therefore happier?) version of myself.

 

My biggest concern is that I will either go crazy “balls to the wall” again, and burn myself out, or I will become discouraged because, unfortunately, weight does not go away as quickly as it comes on. 43 is not an easy age to try and create/ start/ maintain a lifestyle change. There are too many habits that have formed over my lifetime that are so dang hard to break, or bend, or whatever. I think my next hurdle is to reevaluate my goals and make them realistic for myself. I still have too much weight that I need and want to lose, and I am realistic to know that I will never again find the 150 pounds that I was (when I thought that was fat) that I was in high school. I have looked at charts and the healthy weight range for my 5’11” goes from  136 – 176 pounds. I can aim for the 176 end of the scale, knowing that if I can get close to that number I will be so much better off than I am now.

 

When I started this entire blogging process last July, I laid myself bare and gave you all of the ugly truths in numbers about my body, but I find that I cannot do that this time around. I know it is body shaming on a personal level that is keeping me from revealing that much about my setbacks. One of these days I hope to find the courage to share my progress with you, and the numbers in the change, and honestly, I am too cowardly to step on the scale, or reach for a tape measure to get my new readings because I know they are worse than before.

 

I just need to keep in mind that it is a slow process, and it is not an easy one. There will be so many temptations and pitfalls along the way, but I cannot let then take run of my life like I have. So, as usual, I will keep you posted on things.

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Live Bold

First, a little bit of a “Hurrah!” (in a completely nerdy way) because I am now the proud owner of the domain name mondaylove2013.com, which will, I hope, make finding me and my posts here a little easier. *Like I said, a bit nerdy*

 

Second, I was thinking today about things, too many things to be able to fully wrap my brain around. Things and thoughts about the past and how muchI hope I have grown in the nearly a year since I started this blog. Thinking about how last summer it was solely created to focus on my quest to lose the excess fat and become a health and fit woman in her 40’s, and all my struggles with that quest from too much motivation and excitement, to far too little as I burned myself out in a short time. My blog them morphed into something that was still me, and perhaps a deeper look into the real me as I expounded on whatever came into my mind while my family was facing one of the most important and then most devastating battles we have had to face while my Mother was diagnosed with, fought with everything she had in her, and then too shortly after her diagnosis lost her battle with breast cancer. The words that flowed from my fingers onto the screen of my laptop were one of the greatest coping mechanisms I had, and I had hoped that while I was expressing my grief and all of the cycles one goes through (and I am still working through) that I would say something that someone would relate to, and maybe breathe a little easier knowing that some, if not all, of the stuff they are working through is being shared by someone else. They, you, are not alone. It happened again, for the better I hope? My words and thoughts, there is that thinking again, they transformed into more of the same randomness, but this time I am trying to focus on positives, on encouraging words when I know I need them most, and again, perhaps, someone else needs them too. Now, after having thought all my thoughts on that, and asking a couple of my friends who read my words and random thoughts, I have decided to keep on with my current blog platform that will include the random thoughts and words, plus my renewed quest for health.

 

The third think that I had/ have circling in my brain is my ongoing quest to, well, not better myself per se, but to better myself to the point where I start to  push my own boundaries and live a little bit bolder. My two youtube songs… My love for singing, good, bad, or ugly, I may just keep putting myself out there with my own musical stylings, Carpe Diem, and all that. Dance lessons, not just any dance lessons, but ballroom lessons. As a single. Need to find the courage to walk into that first lesson alone, and I will, because I want to live bolder. My last thing towards living bolder is writing. No, not just my blog, but putting an actual story onto paper (and hope it doesn’t suck!), but whether it does or not, at the end I will be able to claim “I did it!” and it it the sum of all these little “I did its!” that will help me to live bold, and isn’t that the point of living anyhow?

Broken Silence

After a long silence from me, I find myself wanting to get back to writing those rambling thoughts that often seem to just work their way down from my brain and out my fingers when I sit with my open blog wondering what to write about. As I have said before, this is my blog, I will write what I need or want to, and if anyone does not like it, there are so many others that are there for the reading.  If you follow my blog, you know that I share a lot of stuff about myself. Hell, I post my weight ups and downs for anyone who is struggling along with me to share, and to know that they are not alone.  But this one might be different; I say might because I am not entirely sure what is going to pop onto my screen here, I know what is in my head and my heart, but there is so much discombobulation in my psyche right now, it’s like a crap shoot. I guess we will both find out together.

Back in October I wrote a post about breast cancer awareness, stressing the importance of monthly self checks, seeing your doctors, etc. November flew past with just my usual mindless ramblings, and then December hit.  You see, over Christmas my parents informed me that a mass had been found in my Mothers breast, and she was scheduled to have a biopsy on January 6 to know what was happening. It was determined that Mama had a 5cm (2 inch) mass in her breast that was, in fact, stage 2 and malignant. I wont get into all of the particulars, but we now knew that she had breast cancer.

So many things happened over the next 6 weeks, and yet through it all, my Mama remained so beautifully optimistic about life, her treatments, and her future… Her body was not as strong as her mind was, and on February 9 her body rebelled against the chemotherapy. She became so weak, and it was something she was unable to overcome, and I lost my Mama, my best friend, after a very brief, yet fierce,  battle. Nine weeks. Nine freaking weeks.

Now I sit here, nine days after I lost her, and five days after we laid her to rest, looking at the realities that are staring me in the face.

I have been on emotional eating over load for the past ten weeks, so scared to look at a scale, but I know that I can not continue like this. Healthy and fit are words and actions that must find their way back into my daily routine. I have let go of everything that I had accomplished, sabotaging  myself in every way imaginable. I have to live for my children, for my father, and ultimately for myself. I can not live like this.

I need to start following my dreams. I gave up on so much when I was married, and lost so much of myself after my divorce. I know there are dreams that I am too old to reach now, but I also know that there are some dreams that are ageless. What type of example am I for my children if I just give up, let my dreams slip through my fingers like water in my palm? Reaching some of the dreams may prove difficult, and I may not be able to reach them all, but I will be able to say that I tried. And some attempts may turn out to be shite, but I will never know unless / until I try, and then I can say I did it.

I guess what all of this is about is whatever obstacles we face, whatever grief, sorrow, self doubts, etc come our way, life has to go on.

3:9:14