Broken Silence

After a long silence from me, I find myself wanting to get back to writing those rambling thoughts that often seem to just work their way down from my brain and out my fingers when I sit with my open blog wondering what to write about. As I have said before, this is my blog, I will write what I need or want to, and if anyone does not like it, there are so many others that are there for the reading.  If you follow my blog, you know that I share a lot of stuff about myself. Hell, I post my weight ups and downs for anyone who is struggling along with me to share, and to know that they are not alone.  But this one might be different; I say might because I am not entirely sure what is going to pop onto my screen here, I know what is in my head and my heart, but there is so much discombobulation in my psyche right now, it’s like a crap shoot. I guess we will both find out together.

Back in October I wrote a post about breast cancer awareness, stressing the importance of monthly self checks, seeing your doctors, etc. November flew past with just my usual mindless ramblings, and then December hit.  You see, over Christmas my parents informed me that a mass had been found in my Mothers breast, and she was scheduled to have a biopsy on January 6 to know what was happening. It was determined that Mama had a 5cm (2 inch) mass in her breast that was, in fact, stage 2 and malignant. I wont get into all of the particulars, but we now knew that she had breast cancer.

So many things happened over the next 6 weeks, and yet through it all, my Mama remained so beautifully optimistic about life, her treatments, and her future… Her body was not as strong as her mind was, and on February 9 her body rebelled against the chemotherapy. She became so weak, and it was something she was unable to overcome, and I lost my Mama, my best friend, after a very brief, yet fierce,  battle. Nine weeks. Nine freaking weeks.

Now I sit here, nine days after I lost her, and five days after we laid her to rest, looking at the realities that are staring me in the face.

I have been on emotional eating over load for the past ten weeks, so scared to look at a scale, but I know that I can not continue like this. Healthy and fit are words and actions that must find their way back into my daily routine. I have let go of everything that I had accomplished, sabotaging  myself in every way imaginable. I have to live for my children, for my father, and ultimately for myself. I can not live like this.

I need to start following my dreams. I gave up on so much when I was married, and lost so much of myself after my divorce. I know there are dreams that I am too old to reach now, but I also know that there are some dreams that are ageless. What type of example am I for my children if I just give up, let my dreams slip through my fingers like water in my palm? Reaching some of the dreams may prove difficult, and I may not be able to reach them all, but I will be able to say that I tried. And some attempts may turn out to be shite, but I will never know unless / until I try, and then I can say I did it.

I guess what all of this is about is whatever obstacles we face, whatever grief, sorrow, self doubts, etc come our way, life has to go on.


October Already?


Welcome to October!?!

I swear I feel like a cross between the Energizer Bunny who just keeps going, and going, and going, and the white rabbit from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date,” and the person I have this important date which I am perpetually late for, is with myself. As I sit here thinking about what to write, and as it dawns on me that not only have we reached a new crazy, hectic, chaotic month that seems to be the stepping stone into holiday season, I remembered that here in the US, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Thinking about this, I realize that way back in July when I started this journey to a healthier, more fit me, I really just looked at it from the perspective of transforming my body from the obese me that I was into a woman with a healthy body fat index, and a stronger body that is capable of doing more than I want to give myself credit for. But there is so much more to the “healthier me” that I am in search of.

I need to make a date with myself, and commit to this one like the exercising, and once a month give myself a breast self examination. I need to know what to look for, and I can find that information here. The symptoms are the same for both men and women.

So, as I continue my daily two-step dance with the diet and the gym, and my constant struggle with my own body image; there is another facet in my health that I must address. Every realization, every acknowledgement, every action that I take continues to take me toward that healthier me.

Now, I will wish you a happy, healthy, strong, and successful October. See you next time!