It’s like Fonzie jumping the sharks…

I did it. I bit the bullet, and only because I have a new scale in my bathroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been practicing getting on it bravely -fiercely- but I would make certain to get on it without my contacts in, thus preventing me from seeing the illuminated numbers. I have been circling around the scale, like a shark circles its prey, only, not really because I knew that once I finally took that step, one molecule at a time until I was standing fully on it, there would be no turning back from the reality of what I have allowed to happen.

 

So there I was this morning, walking innocently into the bathroom, happy because it’s the weekend, and I have accomplished a lot toward my writing goal this week. I’m smiling, I’m singing to myself; there are virtual blue birds flitting around me in my mind, for crying out loud! I’m not paying attention to what I am doing when I pop in my contacts and turn to my right, and then I see it. The it I have been able to ignore, overlook, not see no matter how hard I squinted…

 

Now I have no more excuses to delay the inevitable. My mind starts reeling with possible excuses but there is no valid reason to not take this step. There I am, staring at it; oh, it looks all sweet and loving until you step foot on it and then LIES! or what I wish were lies.

 

Okay, I’m telling myself, if it hurts, it’ll only be for a minute. You know the truth will be hideous. You’ve only yourself to blame for this, so suck it up, Buttercup. It is time to face the music. No more delusions. Reality, and a full dose of it, is due. We’ve had a lot of things thrust at us over the past several months, and we coped the only way we knew, but that time is over. There are better ways to cope than shoving comfort food in your mouth, and you’re taking those steps. It’s time.

 

Yes, I had to give myself a pep talk slash guilt trip, but I did it. I eased up on the sleeping beast, tapped its corner to wake it up, took a deep breath, sucked in my stomach (don’t judge me) and climbed on. The numbers blinked and flashed like the national debt billboard until they finally stopped at 237.1

 

It was /is bad, but I did not fall apart. I fell apart in February and May, and too many times in the months between to count. The reality is I can handle this, and I can take steps to fix it. I’ve had the worst and this is nowhere even remotely close. The amazing thing is, even though it did ding my self esteem and body image, making it a little worse than it already was, I am okay. I’m still wearing dresses, or skirts and cute tops to work, I’m fixing my hair, and I am wearing makeup. I did not self destruct.

 

Women mostly, and men, have a preconceived idea of what we are “supposed to” look like, thanks to film and print media. But the world is made up of such diversity, so many colors, shapes, textures, and even sizes. We (and I am mainly talking to myself here) have got to remember and accept that we are not all the same, and I am learning to love myself as I am.

 

 

 

Um, my legs don’t do that.

In my revised efforts to live boldly and push the walls on my self imposed, restrictive box a little further out, I tried something new today.  I walked boldly- hahaha! Sorry, I never walk boldly into someplace new, especially by myself- into the studio that houses  the Cardio Barre classes that I signed up for. I had an inkling of an idea of what to expect thanks to youtube, but even the video clips did not prepare me fully for the total body workout, and subsequent sweat fest that I experienced.

 

In case you’ve never heard of cardio barre, it is a high octane, no impact workout that uses a ballet barre, light hand weights,and floor workout that utilizes ballet principles as the base of the workout, and it is designed to stretch and elongate and tone your muscle groups.  All of these were major selling point to this 43 year old, broke down woman.

 

I hesitate to say today was fun because it was so different from anything I have been doing before, but I know that it has the potential to be fun, especially when I master all of the movements and breathing simultaneously. The hardest part, for me at least today, was I did a total body workout with the Sadist on Friday evening, and I am seriously feeling it today, but I had made the commitment to myself and was loathe to back out because of a little pain.

 

I know what I was able to do during the hour long class, no, I could not do it all on my first day, was effective in working my muscle groups because at the end when we were on to floor work, the muscles in question (all of them) were swollen and even more achy. I left the class dripping sweat, breathing hard, aching, and very glad I went.

 

Our beginners class was a good combination of all ages, sizes, and shapes of women all looking for the same thing: a betterment of ourselves. Our instructor was a wonderful coach and voice of encouragement, and the music choices she had picked made you want to move your body with the rhythm. There were never any feelings of awkward, fat, etcetera. Julianne remained positive and helpful, always explaining why or what we were doing this or that. Would I recommend a cardio barre class to people (men and women)? Yes. Absolutely and whole heartedly yes. If you are looking for a non-impact workout, definitely give this a try if it is available in your area.

How many “agains” can I get?

I know it has been said by me too many times to count, so I will zip my lips, or still my fingers, and not say that tonight I started over, again, with my trainer, AKA “Sadist.” I will say that I am trying to get my life back on track in all areas that I have let lapse over the past several months while I dealt, literally, with life and death, and leaving a career I truly enjoy at a workplace for an employer that I didn’t. It has been a challenge at times to even find the will to get out of bed, and I am now paying for that both physically and mentally. While I have already started on the mental healing (that is why there has been a sudden abundance of blog posts again: cathartic), I am now ready to start getting back to the gym to get back to a healthier (and therefore happier?) version of myself.

 

My biggest concern is that I will either go crazy “balls to the wall” again, and burn myself out, or I will become discouraged because, unfortunately, weight does not go away as quickly as it comes on. 43 is not an easy age to try and create/ start/ maintain a lifestyle change. There are too many habits that have formed over my lifetime that are so dang hard to break, or bend, or whatever. I think my next hurdle is to reevaluate my goals and make them realistic for myself. I still have too much weight that I need and want to lose, and I am realistic to know that I will never again find the 150 pounds that I was (when I thought that was fat) that I was in high school. I have looked at charts and the healthy weight range for my 5’11” goes from  136 – 176 pounds. I can aim for the 176 end of the scale, knowing that if I can get close to that number I will be so much better off than I am now.

 

When I started this entire blogging process last July, I laid myself bare and gave you all of the ugly truths in numbers about my body, but I find that I cannot do that this time around. I know it is body shaming on a personal level that is keeping me from revealing that much about my setbacks. One of these days I hope to find the courage to share my progress with you, and the numbers in the change, and honestly, I am too cowardly to step on the scale, or reach for a tape measure to get my new readings because I know they are worse than before.

 

I just need to keep in mind that it is a slow process, and it is not an easy one. There will be so many temptations and pitfalls along the way, but I cannot let then take run of my life like I have. So, as usual, I will keep you posted on things.

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Check list

I have new challenges that were issued to me for the next couple of weeks, and at least one of them unsettles me, largely because I know it is the most difficult one that I have to succeed at, and I honestly don’t know if I can do it, but I will try.

 

I have set some ongoing goals for myself, some I am starting to work on, others I am working my way to, but trying to find a way to achieve them in a reasonable, long lasting, and far reaching manner.

1. Getting back into the proper mindset of a year ago when I started on my quest to be healthier and more fit than I currently am.

2. Be creative. I am working on another end-of-year song for my campus

3. Sing out.  If I get the above done, yup, I’ll youtube myself.

4. Dance.  Because I delayed on posting tis up, it seems that fate has pointed its ear in my direction and presented me with a group on for dance lessons… I am learning to take the subtle, or not so subtle hints that are given to me and am now the owner of 10 dance lessons.

5. Write.  Chapter 1 complete

6. Do a job that satisfies me.  Interviews this week, so, fingers crossed.

7. Believe in myself. ……Work in progress…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

 

My next goal is to eliminate the negative voice that has parked itself on my shoulder and points out everything that is flawed about me, what I am doing, what makes me happy. You know what I am talking about, the voice that never shuts up. How can I find my way to getting rid of that voice?

 

There is one more goal, the whopper in my way, that I see myself struggling the most with over the next weeks, months, years, and honestly, right now I am embarrassed? ashamed? to put it out there for you all, but knowing me? I will.

 

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This is My Time

I am still trying to regain my footing in the world of writing, well, anything.  The words that once came so easily to me have slowed to a nonsensical trickle, and quite honestly, I don’t like it. My thoughts have been muffled by something, and until I figure out what that “something” is and how to get over, around, or under it, it will continue to be this roadblock in my mind.  I have hopes that I will find a way to breech it soon, though. In the midst of the end of the school year preparations, joy, and sadness, I am taking a steps for myself.

A list. It was suggested that I create a list of goals that I hope to accomplish while searching for my muse, the way around the roadblock, and what will I do with myself after?

1. I want to get back to where I was mentally last year when I began the quest to become a more healthy and fit me. I have learned that, while enthusiasm for this goal is necessary, when I go too hard, too fast I burn myself out and quit, and then I revert right back to where I was originally because my mind and body are screaming “STOP!” Slow and easy… It goes on quicker and easier than it comes off. It is a marathon, not a sprint. As long as I keep going, the results will come. (in my mind I totally sounded like James Earl Jones in Field Of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come.”)

 

2. I want to be creative again. I have not one crafty bone in my body, so all of those cool DIY things I look at on Pinterest are out, but there are other ways to be creative, and to share.Singing, dancing, writing? these are things I can throw my hat into the ring with.

 

3. Stop being embarrassed and sing out. Do I sing well? I don’t know, I have been told I do, but I don’t hear myself like others do. My brain is telling me “The bible says, ‘Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.'” It does not have to be Adele type singing, so long as I am having fun and singing from the heart, it is joyful, and it could very well be noise to some peoples ears (lol) but I have to learn to say “So what?!” Okay, so I have started on this one by creating a parody song for my classes / staff for summer vacation and posting it on youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dclKCR0Reo

4. Learn to dance. Yup. I want to get out there and learn to salsa, or two-step, or jitterbug, jive, etc… You get the idea. Once upon a time, several years and pounds ago, I loved to dance, and was pretty good at it. I want that back.

 

5. Do the writing thing again. Whether it is the words here in my blog, or working on the story that my muse and I started before her vanishing act does not matter because I hope that one will lead back into the other. I miss the outlet I had in my words…

 

6. Do a job that makes me satisfied. My time in this school is almost up, June 6 will be my last day affiliated with this district on a professional level. I have many friends that I will miss seeing every day, and I will miss my students who were and who are. When you find yourself constantly unhappy with where you are, there comes a point when you realize you need to move on. This is my time.

 

7. Believe in myself. Yup, this one will be the most difficult. I have to get beyond looking at my perceived negatives and find in myself some good, the good that others tell me is there but I just brush aside because I can’t -or don’t- see it.

 

So there we have it, my list of goals. I hope that I will be able to check them off in time.