M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N: day 50

I did not realize I had gone so long without writing anything, but I guess it goes hand in hand with my title today. Motivation, and mine had waned. The want, the desire to be healthy was still there, beating inside me like a living thing, but my mind, the control center, had become bored. Of everything. I was tired of having the same meal for lunch at work, my salad and baked potato were so meh when everyone else at work was feasting on pizza, or bar-b-que, or, God help me, Taco Tuesday. The heavens aromas wafting through the office made my healthy lunch pale in comparison. And the walking. The eternal walking, walking, walking to nowhere were leeching the remaining spirit from my soul. What was the point of walking if there is no destination?!

It took me a good ten days of floundering around, wallowing in myself, to remember that there is, in fact, a destination, and that destination is a healthier version (and if I happen to be more lean and toned? Bonus!) of myself. And my immediate goal destination is May 18, 2018: my son’s graduation from college. To not be a disappointment to my kids when they look at me, all too much of me, huffing and puffing to keep up with them, and to make them, and myself, proud.

After a mental slap, and a discussion with both the motivation and the desire to succeed, I am back at full throttle. I may still walk to nowhere for now, but I can enjoy the time getting lost in an audio book. I can try and enjoy flavors on those healthier food choices. And, if my food budget allows and I have taken my walk to nowhere, I can enjoy a bit of Taco Tuesday without beating myself up, or giving up.

T minus 89 days and counting down. It’s doable, one step, one meal, one day at a time.

It’s the Little Things: Day 31

Here I still am, miraculously looking at the dawn of day 31 of my challenge /change, and it seems every week, if not every day, I am learning something new, and something more about myself. I’ll be honest (because here, veiled with anonymity, I can be completely honest with myself and you) and tell you that 30 days ago, I was not 100 percent certain I would stick it out this long.

I have been pushing myself further and harder on the treadmill during my workouts, walking step after step up to five miles in just over 70 minutes. Because of the energy and efforts I have been putting into myself, I broke into a new, lower decade that I’ve not seen for several months. My loss as of Day 30? 12 pounds.

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But, as I say in my title, it’s the small things. I had removed all of my smaller clothes from the house before the holidays in a sign of recognition and acceptance that I would never again fit into them. I had to have a point of reference, for myself, beyond the scale, to see my progress for myself, and it was here, in a small thing, that I found justification for all of my hard work so far. I pulled my late grandmothers ring out of my jewelry box, one that I’ve not been able to wear for a while, and slid it onto my finger. Yes, it was a little snug, but it went on and came back off again.

I guess my point here is that while anyone in my same position, wanting and waiting for a change, don’t overlook the small successes in the shadows of the bigger ones that haven’t fully happened yet. Give yourself time, and keep walking those forward steps, because every one is one closer to your goal.

Changes: Day 24

It is hard for me to believe that I am already into my fourth week of this lifestyle challenge /change, something that I can honestly say I would typically have started to half-ass by now. Not really trying, mainly because I would be discouraged with the lack of changes in my body. Failing to realize that the firsthand most important change that has to occur takes place in the mind.

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Here I am, closing in on the end of one month, and I have to admit that it is getting easier. Because of the fight that I am putting into this time (I really don’t want to be this fat, yes, but moreover, unhealthy, anymore), adjusting what I eat, how I eat, and why I eat, and getting back into a cardio mind, I have begun to notice some changes, most of them are small, and seemingly insignificant topmost people, but to me? These changes are mountains that I have been climbing.

The biggest change in me is my energy. It has been almost a year since I have been able to walk at the rates that I have been pushing myself to over the past few weeks, and it feels exhausting!! Seriously, finally pushing myself to a 15 minute mile after so long is kicking my butt, and I take a while for my body to cool, and my heart rate to slow, but I feel good about what I have done. I do vary my treadmill speeds and add the occasional baby incline (I’m not a masochist!) to keep my body guessing.

The other change (I’ve been told by family) is a physical change, a narrowing of my face, and a tightening up pf my legs. These changes I don’t see. Yet. But I know they are coming. I have to take these words with a grain of salt because they come from my family, and they don’t want to see me fail myself again. I know that they say it takes 4 weeks to you to notice a change. It takes 8 weeks for friends to notice it. It takes 12 weeks for everyone else to notice it.

Day 24 and I am down 12 pounds so far, about 6 pounds from reaching my first milestone goal. Am I going to keep at it? Yes. Why? Because I am ready to do it this time.

The Struggle Is Real: Day 17

Here I am, day 17 of my lifestyle change, and, okay, it is getting easier in some areas, while in others? well, as I said, the struggle is real. The question I find myself asking is whether or not it is worth it? and Is it sustainable?

Is it worth it? The calorie monitoring? The trying of new foods that i have always found disgusting? The getting up, despite the temperatures outside, and despite how tired and unmotivated I am? I really wish I could say “No!” to all those questions, but the truth of the matter is, at least for right now, the answer is yes. In the two full weeks that I have been on this current course, I have only allowed myself on rest day from the black belted beauty (thanks, Carrie B!). I have found myself able to push myself up to a 15 minute mile while walking, which is a far cry better than the 2.5 mph I started out on a mere two weeks ago. I have also been able to keep myself walking for an hour at a time – again, doubling my time from New Years Day. I know that to some people, these steps are minor and less than note worthy. However, when you are edging closer to 50 and classify as obese, if not morbidly so, these are huge feats. Along with the positive change in my energy, I have managed to continue losing pieces of myself, and as of this morning, I am lighter by 8.8 pounds thus far. Again, not a big deal, but I bet my doctor would disagree with you, and I know I do.

It is hard to get up and go take that walk to nowhere every day? Yes, I admit it sucks, but with the cold winter mornings that we’ve been having, not to mention the killer flu epidemic, inside is better than outside right now. So I will keep taking the walk to nowhere every day that I can because it is getting easier, and it is nice to have the energy to do so.

They (and just who is this “they,” anyhow?!?) say it takes between fourteen and 21 days to make a habit, and I know that I am closing in on that milestone! They *rolls eyes* also state that it takes four weeks to begin to notice a change in yourself, and eight to twelve weeks for others to begin to notice the changes in you. Every day is a step closer to someone seeing that I am busting my ass every day trying to get healthy. Meanwhile, I will continue to be aware of what I put in my mouth, and of the steps I take to eliminate the negatives.

My goals remain the same:  1) Reach my first milestone weight of 246 pounds. 2) Add weights to my workout routine. 3) Not be the “fat mom” at my sons college graduation in May. 4) Lose a total minimum of 75 pounds up to one-hundred pounds. I will keep using my support of family and the internet group of women who are members of my Noom team.

I hope next week I will have conquered the ten pound point *fingers crossed*!