Why?: Day 64

Why? A small word that can have so many answers. Kids ask “Why?” all the time, and we patiently answer their queries. When adults ask the “Why?” question, we tend to want to look for a deeper answer, a more fulfilling one than a cursory gloss over can fill. When I look back over the peaks and valleys of the past 64 days, I think back over my mental hurdles, the multitude of “Why?” question that I would serve up to myself on a weekly, daily, sometimes even hourly, basis. I would lose heart. I would lose motivation. I would, essentially, lose purpose.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. My son has challenged me to go carb free for one week (which he has now stretched into two), and yesterday was my third day of no carbs… It hurt. I was aware of the pain -not a physical pain, but a mental one. A desire so strong to break, to eat the carbs that my mind was craving. I can see that now, in the morning after. My body didn’t really want or need the carbs, or the sweet, but my mind convinced me it did. My best friend (who is also on a lifestyle change) and I even went so far as to go to the grocery store last night in search of a carb free treat that would appease our minds. We bought supplies needed to make a keto candy, but we stopped there. All of the ingredients are still in my kitchen, unopened. When we got back here last night, we remembered that we are stronger than the craving. So we were.

 

Word Press_2

 

This morning I woke feeling stronger, mentally, for not caving into temptation, and I have gone so far as to call work and asked my co-worker to hide the candy jar before I get to work tonight. Out of sight, out of mind. I have to remember that food, in any form, is not the answer. Not the solution to my problems. I need to stop when I think I am hungry and think about why I am hungry. Am I stressed? Bored? Tired? I need to come up with solutions to the hunger beyond eating.

Word Press

 

But this morning also marked a large milestone for me; 64 days and, I can finally say 20 pounds. I’m still not at a 10% loss, but I am getting there, and once I do, I’ll have new goals to set.

One thing I have to remember as I continue on this journey is that my value is not dependent on how much, or how little, I weigh. I am still working on this lesson, referring back to a post I wrote a couple of years ago, that actually popped up on my memories this morning. You can read that post here.

I need to remember that life is intended to be a marathon, not a sprint, and any change worth making -and keeping- develops over time.

 

#ImNoAngel

I had a dream the other night, one that had the sleeping me feeling so light and joyous, so much so that after I woke and cleared the cobwebs from my brain, I was still feeling the lingering happiness from it. I remember smiling as I swung my legs out of bed, my feet hitting the floor before starting my morning. I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced a dream as completely as I did that night? I can only hope that you have, or will.

What was the dream? (It’s going to sound very narcissistic, but I promise its not!) I was, in my dream, my minds eye, so happy and thrilled with the look, share, and contours of my body, but most especially my stomach. The dream me had a flatter stomach, shapely thighs, and a waist that curved the way it’s supposed to.

After my feet hit the floor, still riding on that sleep high, I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light, looking at myself critically. The difference was, this time I was more accepting of myself. Was this a result of the dream? Or was it a result of a challenge that a friend gives me every once in a while while we are at lunch, having me name one thing I love about myself that day? Or was it me finally listening to my own words that I share with others, trying to get them to change their way of thinking? I don’t know. Was I happy with my body when I looked in the mirror that morning? No, not 100%. I know I have room for improvement, but its nice to not be as repulsed as I once was. I am still a work in progress.

Then this morning, checking my email before crawling out of bed to start my day, there was an email from Lane Bryant with their new campaign, #ImNoAngel, designed to represent the beautiful, amazing, real, average woman whose size falls in the spectrum larger than a 10. The #ImNoAngel message was beautiful put:

Some say

That sexy is defined

In just one way

But I say

It’s how I feel

It’s who I am

I’m all woman

A symbol of confidence

Who writes her own rules

And sometimes breaks them too

I’m beautiful

From my soul out to my skin

Loving every part of me

No matter what I’m in

I’m a woman

Unique and complete

I break the mold

Throw out the old

I’m all kinds of sexy