No Photographs, Please!

Wow. There’s nothing like a new low. I live with it every day, facing it and actively ignoring it. that is until a pivotal moment that gobsmacked me. Going about my day-to-day existence knowing in the back of my head what’s coming. Today was that clarifying, or re-clarifying, moment.

I spent a week sitting on my butt in a hotel learning about writing, what I need to do to create the best manuscript I can, how to query and pitch it, and to never stop learning. Meeting some truly fabulous people in the industry from publishers, agents, editors, authors, and cover models. And I was going to set about snapping my picture throughout the events. That was until I looked at myself in the pictures.

I’m back to being the woman I once was, insecure, unhappy, and way too heavy. Time to figure out a new way to fix and find myself. I have absolutely no idea what the current number on the scale says; don’t really care right now, to be honest. It’s too much, by a lot… 70 pounds minimum, could even be close to topping out at 100 pounds of too damn much.

Eff me. How, or rather why do I do this to myself? I’m an embarrassment to myself, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my kids were not embarrassed by me as well. What a way to represent.

So, I need to drop as much weight as humanly possible before next Memorial Day, in time for my daughters graduation. Here I go again…

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2 thoughts on “No Photographs, Please!

  1. Huh. I guess it’s all perspective. I saw your pictures. Enjoyed them very much (was even a bit jealous that I couldn’t be there). But I saw something total different. I saw a smiling woman, enjoying herself, learning, and radiating an energy that I have always enjoyed. I know self-image is personal and yes I do struggle with it myself at times.

    Sometimes what people see and like about you has nothing to do with “size”. As in life and writing, character trumps all. And you my dear, have a very bright and beautiful vitality that I adore.

    1. Oh my god, thank you, Kira! It is all about perspective, like you say, it’s just near to impossible to be body positive, even though I love and cheer everyone else, when I look at the reflection in the harsh light of -what is in my mind- reality. There’s a lot that I do like about myself, but the outer package is not one. But I’m going to work on both the packaging and the self acceptance.

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