Masks II

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I’m a coward. Oh, I’m full of big talk when other people need my help, ask my opinion, or just need a good shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, but when it comes to letting people know me? Not the top layer, but the real me that lies deep below the surface? Oh, no, I can’t let people get to know the real me. What will they think? Will they like this me? Hell, most of the time I don’t like that me, why would I ever think someone else would? I keep her hidden under so many masks that make up small parts of me…

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I know that the different masks that I hide behind are all parts of me, little snippets that I share here and there when I am finally comfortable enough with someone to let them in. I have a mask that I wear for my family, it’s one that is supposed to remain strong, that hides the fears and sorrows that I don’t want to share. This mask is made of a thick clay. It has survived so much, but like anything else, with time it has begun to crack, and I fear what will happen if it one day falls apart.

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Another mask that I wear, one that more people are getting to see and know, is my mask of creativity. Again, those damn insecurities about my writing, my singing, my expressionism, they hide behind a mask that is thin, like fine china, where you can see the light shining through it. It wouldn’t take much to break that one.

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The top most mask is the one I share with everyone. Only a select few get beneath this one. It is my shield. My line of defense against everything that comes at me. It holds truths about me, but it guards so many more. 9d31cb97bb2b71021afba95b798e41b2

How do I decide who to share the truth with? Oddly enough, the anonymity of this blog has been the most telling and revealing of the real, raw me there is. Its in writing this that I am trying to love myself. I remember writing enough blog post about masks over a year ago, and when I was rereading it just now, its odd to see how little has changed, and what masks I still hide behind. You can read that earlier post here. I try to face the darkness that hides in me, facing it dead on , and sharing it.

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One thought on “Masks II

  1. We all have some sort of mask as protection devices. To begin with our outer body has the skin. When that is damaged we hurt. Don’t be afraid of that mask. It is protection against the slings and arrows of our daily lives. What you can do is accept the masks but be free to be yourself. Don’t think of the mask as some sort of phoniness. It is part of what makes you unique. Keep working on accepting who you are. If you don’t like certain aspects of your self, look at what they are. Are they stopping you from what you are needing to achieve your goals? If they are rethink. If not ask why they are a bother. As a mother you need that Mama Bear persona. Is it really a mask or an aspect of your personality to be proud of? Your shyness protects you from being hurt. However that can prevent you from new experiences. I used to be painfully shy. I learned to pretend I was one of my outgoing friends. Practice makes perfect. Little steps lead to the end of a mile. You have had such tremendous growth this year. You stretched yourself in amazing ways. Continue to be proud of the amazing woman you are.

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