I’m not sure why it is lately that I have so many ideas for what I want to write about when I am nowhere near my laptop (usually when I am either a) at work and not able to write anything down, or b) in bed, worn out after being at work!), but as soon as I sit down to start writing, it’s like my mind and all of my thoughts have been sucked into a black hole! Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of those thoughts and thinks going on, but I wonder if I should write about them? *snort* Who am I kidding? I have already shared so much on here, why would I suddenly turn shy when I have this platform of (relative) anonymity?


Things in my world have been rocking right along, staying super busy and usually incredibly happy with the job I have. I honestly can’t completely wrap my brain around the fact that I have been with this company for over a year, and that I left a career of ten tears to work full time, and I still go to work every day happy and smiling, ready to see what comes my way that day. I come home tired, worn to the bone some days, but I can still smile because of some little something or other that happened that day.


With all of this working, I have still not made the time for myself to get back to the gym like I have been telling myself I would. I am meeting with the Sadist once a week still, but the time I need to allow, no, that is such a wrong word. I should not say that I am allowing myself time for myself… I have not been making the time for myself to look after myself the way I know I should. The weight is back, and then some. The body shaming is back in the front of my mind, and embarrassment of and for me is constant. I look and think, near tears, how gross and disgusting.


I don’t think that many people realize these thoughts go through my mind on a constant loop, thanks to the masks that I try to wear. Unless they read this, and I only know of a couple of my friends who do, no one in my close circle really knows the truth. Again, it is here in this forum that I can express the truth because I know I am not alone. I wonder how many more “me’s” there are in the world.


I think I’ll stop here now that I have put a depressed pallor on my blog for the night.

10 thoughts on “Blerg

  1. As for the first part of having ideas when you aren’t in a position to get to a laptop…welcome to being a writer *grin* Keep a small notebook with you and jot the gist of the idea down so you don’t forget it (I have one in my night stand and other in my car). You can then flesh it out later on a break or later on your laptop (Ideas Folder for me)

    As for your second part. Happy and busy are good. Being happy, will put you in a better, healthier, frame of mind. This is a good place to start. As for making time to work out, I can suggest what helped my hubby. Driving home from work he goes straight to the gym.
    Do not go home.
    Change at work into gym clothes-Go straight to gym.
    No excuses.
    No options.

    It was hard for the first few times, but he found that doing that removed the temptation to come home and veg out. If you’ve had a long day, then just do some light cardio or even some stretches. JUST. GO. TO. GYM.
    It then becomes a habit and you no longer have to “make” time. It’s already built in.

    Hang in there girl. You are strong and brilliant. I believe in you no matter what, because I don’t see some numbered size. I see you for YOU. A wonderful person.

    1. I have the notebooks, but like the computer, they are never around when inspiration strikes.

      As for the other, good idea. I’ll try that change in routine. I know I walk miles around work, but it’s apparent I need more than just that. ((hugs!))

  2. You should carry a notebook! That way whenever a thought or phrase strikes you, you can write it down before it dissolves back into the ether, so to speak. I’ve been struggling with motivation to work out as well and have gained back most of the weight I lost. I was doing Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred, lose 20 pounds in a month. I was losing the weight and its only 20 minutes but is pretty intense. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

      1. I feel two ways about Jillian… she is a bitch from hell, and she gets results. I hate doing the work-out but I love losing the weight and getting stronger. I did the 30 day shred, and you are supposed to do it every day for 30 days. I did it only 11 of the 30 days and lost 15 pounds. I went from not working out at all to this, and when I finished the first time I felt like I was going to die…literally. I felt I would throw up, or pass out, and sat miserably in front of a fan for a long time before I could recover enough to get into a cold shower. So if you want to get your ass kicked into shape, try her 🙂

  3. Do you have time to walk after work? Can you get yourself to do a few exercises during commercials if you ateveatching TV? Start with five minutes. Build up from there. Just like writing. You need to just start.

  4. You should never feel bad for having a busy, happy life. We all struggle with our weight at some point. We are too thin (ha) or to heavy (also ha). In my opinion, there is no such as “too” as long as you are happy. Don’t let a slip get you down. You are a beautiful, wonderful person and don’t let a little extra weight drag your soul and heart down!

    1. I’m over the moon with the busy , happy. It is just the everything else that has gotten to me recently. I’ll shake it off, it’s what I do and I’m usually pretty good at it. Thank you, David, for the words.

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