Monthly Archives: September 2014

Hell hath no fury like a…

…Like a trainer scorned. Forget about the whole “woman scorned” thing, I stepped back into the gym, AKA Dungeon, on Friday to meet with my long ignored trainer, AKA Sadist, AKA Satan. I should have known something was up. Oh, he gave no easily recognized clues, but I should have picked up on the happy malevolence that was him.

dungeon

It started easily enough, warming up on the treadmill for 10 minutes of walking, getting the blood pumping a bit faster, warming up my neglected muscles. You all know the drill whether you are an gym rat, or a gym ghost (like me). There I am, happily plodding along on the treadmill, thinking various thoughts when he asks if I am ready to roll. I should never have said “yes” to that question…

Satan leads me into his den -er, office, where he announces that we are starting from scratch with me, need to get me back to the motivated, on track client that I once was, and then he cores the unspeakable… He pulls out the tape measure and the body fat thingy (*not its clinical name) and tells me to hop on the scale.

Efffffffffffffffffffffffff.

I knew what the scale would say, I had been to the doctor two days before that, so I walked out and walked back in, giving him that number. He wrote it down on the new, clean “progress” page, and then went to flipping back in his book to where I was before I basically quit on myself. I had ballooned all the way up to where I had been, plus an additional 20 pounds. You can see the progress I had made here.

After the weigh in and body fat analyst, he pulled out out the dreaded tape measure. Yeah, um, let’s just say my month of horrors began a few days early. It’s humbling to see myself reduced back to numbers again; numbers that I promised myself I would stay away from. What was even more distressing was the fact that I have let myself go so much that the workout had me huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf and sweating like a newbie at a chili pepper eating contest.

The question, or trick, is how to re-motivate myself? I know that it’s about my health, the very health I’ll need to watch my children eventually graduate college and grace me with grand babies. Ive looked throughout my home searching for a genie, or some “miracle fat cure” that would make this time around different from the last too-many-to-counts.

I’ll figure it out,  or at least try to. There are a lot of potholes on this road that I’ve laid in front of me, I just need to be better at dodging them.

josh

 

 

 

 

 

What’s a girl gotta do?

I was at a a lovely meeting and luncheon this morning, getting some great ideas for my writing when the presenter brought blogging into her discussion. I immediately focused my attention because 1) duh, I blog (okay, so it is sporadic in timing, and very random in topics; it is a reflection of me *grins*), and 2) I want to learn all I can about the craft and marketing myself, gaining an audience, so when I finally have my book up for sale, more people than just my family and friends will purchase it. The presenter was talking about how blog posts should not be boring (oops!) and hopefully they would be reader centered, and what my goal is: relatable. Somehow during her presentation I mentioned my blog and what / how I write. And why. And then my mind began to wander off… not permanently, I kept up with the discussion and her suggestions, but an idea for this post was formed. (I expect you all to be “oohing” and “ahhing”  in amazement right now.)

 

What is this amazing post idea, you wonder? My mind drifted to the questions of dating after divorce, and wondering what the hell it takes to meet single people within my age bracket. You would think that my working at a home improvement store and encountering contractors every day would make this easy, but nope, not so much. I guess it is too much time spent in the role as a middle school teacher corrupted my brain on how to act when a man flirts back with me (remember my Adventures in Derp post? Read it here). So, I am wondering what I have to do to meet nice, non-crazy men and go out on dates? Before you ask, yes, I am on dating sites but so far they have all been meh.

 

Loki eyeroll

Yea, I know that I should not be obsessed about this, but being single for this long sucks. I’m ready to move forward, but, and again I ask, what do I have to do? Stay tuned…

 

 

 

Blerg

I’m not sure why it is lately that I have so many ideas for what I want to write about when I am nowhere near my laptop (usually when I am either a) at work and not able to write anything down, or b) in bed, worn out after being at work!), but as soon as I sit down to start writing, it’s like my mind and all of my thoughts have been sucked into a black hole! Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of those thoughts and thinks going on, but I wonder if I should write about them? *snort* Who am I kidding? I have already shared so much on here, why would I suddenly turn shy when I have this platform of (relative) anonymity?

 

Things in my world have been rocking right along, staying super busy and usually incredibly happy with the job I have. I honestly can’t completely wrap my brain around the fact that I have been with this company for over a year, and that I left a career of ten tears to work full time, and I still go to work every day happy and smiling, ready to see what comes my way that day. I come home tired, worn to the bone some days, but I can still smile because of some little something or other that happened that day.

 

With all of this working, I have still not made the time for myself to get back to the gym like I have been telling myself I would. I am meeting with the Sadist once a week still, but the time I need to allow, no, that is such a wrong word. I should not say that I am allowing myself time for myself… I have not been making the time for myself to look after myself the way I know I should. The weight is back, and then some. The body shaming is back in the front of my mind, and embarrassment of and for me is constant. I look and think, near tears, how gross and disgusting.

 

I don’t think that many people realize these thoughts go through my mind on a constant loop, thanks to the masks that I try to wear. Unless they read this, and I only know of a couple of my friends who do, no one in my close circle really knows the truth. Again, it is here in this forum that I can express the truth because I know I am not alone. I wonder how many more “me’s” there are in the world.

 

I think I’ll stop here now that I have put a depressed pallor on my blog for the night.

Workin’ 9 to 5

September 1. Labor Day here in the US, and I am ready to head out to work (an hour early? What was I thinking?). I know that there are some people who grumble about having to work on “banker’s holidays” but to be honest, I am not one of them.

When I look back on this time last year, Labor Day, the first holiday of a new school year, I had already come to the realization that it would be my last year in a classroom for that school district. Fast forward though a year filled with stress and grief to today, and it is an entirely different story.

Part of me wondered if I’d lost my mind when I turned in my resignation after eight years with the same school, wondering if I would be able to find another school district to teach in this year. I submitted applications to everywhere I could in the areas closer to my home, all summer long hoping for the elusive interview that would keep me in a classroom. No phone calls came. I had begun to lose faith in myself, doubting myself as a teacher, doubting the past ten years in a career that I had once loved.

All the while, I have been happily going to work at my part time job for the past 14 months, a job that I have really come to embrace and enjoy. Here is the difference: I am now in a company that values its employees. I have moved up the ladder of our store, bit by bit. I am also devoting more time to my dreams of writing a novel, and I have done it.  My stress level has dropped, I am more relaxed and happy, and I have more time for the people and the things that I enjoy. It is really a blessing to go into work every day wanting to be there, not dreading it. It certainly puts a lovely spin on things.

Life and work are not always easy. But if I have learned anything over the past year, it is that if you are not happy in your circumstance, if it is within your power, change it. It’s not easy, but aren’t you worth the risk of finding something that makes you happy?