I know it has been said by me too many times to count, so I will zip my lips, or still my fingers, and not say that tonight I started over, again, with my trainer, AKA “Sadist.” I will say that I am trying to get my life back on track in all areas that I have let lapse over the past several months while I dealt, literally, with life and death, and leaving a career I truly enjoy at a workplace for an employer that I didn’t. It has been a challenge at times to even find the will to get out of bed, and I am now paying for that both physically and mentally. While I have already started on the mental healing (that is why there has been a sudden abundance of blog posts again: cathartic), I am now ready to start getting back to the gym to get back to a healthier (and therefore happier?) version of myself.
My biggest concern is that I will either go crazy “balls to the wall” again, and burn myself out, or I will become discouraged because, unfortunately, weight does not go away as quickly as it comes on. 43 is not an easy age to try and create/ start/ maintain a lifestyle change. There are too many habits that have formed over my lifetime that are so dang hard to break, or bend, or whatever. I think my next hurdle is to reevaluate my goals and make them realistic for myself. I still have too much weight that I need and want to lose, and I am realistic to know that I will never again find the 150 pounds that I was (when I thought that was fat) that I was in high school. I have looked at charts and the healthy weight range for my 5’11” goes from 136 – 176 pounds. I can aim for the 176 end of the scale, knowing that if I can get close to that number I will be so much better off than I am now.
When I started this entire blogging process last July, I laid myself bare and gave you all of the ugly truths in numbers about my body, but I find that I cannot do that this time around. I know it is body shaming on a personal level that is keeping me from revealing that much about my setbacks. One of these days I hope to find the courage to share my progress with you, and the numbers in the change, and honestly, I am too cowardly to step on the scale, or reach for a tape measure to get my new readings because I know they are worse than before.
I just need to keep in mind that it is a slow process, and it is not an easy one. There will be so many temptations and pitfalls along the way, but I cannot let then take run of my life like I have. So, as usual, I will keep you posted on things.