It’s like Fonzie jumping the sharks…

I did it. I bit the bullet, and only because I have a new scale in my bathroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been practicing getting on it bravely -fiercely- but I would make certain to get on it without my contacts in, thus preventing me from seeing the illuminated numbers. I have been circling around the scale, like a shark circles its prey, only, not really because I knew that once I finally took that step, one molecule at a time until I was standing fully on it, there would be no turning back from the reality of what I have allowed to happen.


So there I was this morning, walking innocently into the bathroom, happy because it’s the weekend, and I have accomplished a lot toward my writing goal this week. I’m smiling, I’m singing to myself; there are virtual blue birds flitting around me in my mind, for crying out loud! I’m not paying attention to what I am doing when I pop in my contacts and turn to my right, and then I see it. The it I have been able to ignore, overlook, not see no matter how hard I squinted…


Now I have no more excuses to delay the inevitable. My mind starts reeling with possible excuses but there is no valid reason to not take this step. There I am, staring at it; oh, it looks all sweet and loving until you step foot on it and then LIES! or what I wish were lies.


Okay, I’m telling myself, if it hurts, it’ll only be for a minute. You know the truth will be hideous. You’ve only yourself to blame for this, so suck it up, Buttercup. It is time to face the music. No more delusions. Reality, and a full dose of it, is due. We’ve had a lot of things thrust at us over the past several months, and we coped the only way we knew, but that time is over. There are better ways to cope than shoving comfort food in your mouth, and you’re taking those steps. It’s time.


Yes, I had to give myself a pep talk slash guilt trip, but I did it. I eased up on the sleeping beast, tapped its corner to wake it up, took a deep breath, sucked in my stomach (don’t judge me) and climbed on. The numbers blinked and flashed like the national debt billboard until they finally stopped at 237.1


It was /is bad, but I did not fall apart. I fell apart in February and May, and too many times in the months between to count. The reality is I can handle this, and I can take steps to fix it. I’ve had the worst and this is nowhere even remotely close. The amazing thing is, even though it did ding my self esteem and body image, making it a little worse than it already was, I am okay. I’m still wearing dresses, or skirts and cute tops to work, I’m fixing my hair, and I am wearing makeup. I did not self destruct.


Women mostly, and men, have a preconceived idea of what we are “supposed to” look like, thanks to film and print media. But the world is made up of such diversity, so many colors, shapes, textures, and even sizes. We (and I am mainly talking to myself here) have got to remember and accept that we are not all the same, and I am learning to love myself as I am.




Um, my legs don’t do that.

In my revised efforts to live boldly and push the walls on my self imposed, restrictive box a little further out, I tried something new today.  I walked boldly- hahaha! Sorry, I never walk boldly into someplace new, especially by myself- into the studio that houses  the Cardio Barre classes that I signed up for. I had an inkling of an idea of what to expect thanks to youtube, but even the video clips did not prepare me fully for the total body workout, and subsequent sweat fest that I experienced.


In case you’ve never heard of cardio barre, it is a high octane, no impact workout that uses a ballet barre, light hand weights,and floor workout that utilizes ballet principles as the base of the workout, and it is designed to stretch and elongate and tone your muscle groups.  All of these were major selling point to this 43 year old, broke down woman.


I hesitate to say today was fun because it was so different from anything I have been doing before, but I know that it has the potential to be fun, especially when I master all of the movements and breathing simultaneously. The hardest part, for me at least today, was I did a total body workout with the Sadist on Friday evening, and I am seriously feeling it today, but I had made the commitment to myself and was loathe to back out because of a little pain.


I know what I was able to do during the hour long class, no, I could not do it all on my first day, was effective in working my muscle groups because at the end when we were on to floor work, the muscles in question (all of them) were swollen and even more achy. I left the class dripping sweat, breathing hard, aching, and very glad I went.


Our beginners class was a good combination of all ages, sizes, and shapes of women all looking for the same thing: a betterment of ourselves. Our instructor was a wonderful coach and voice of encouragement, and the music choices she had picked made you want to move your body with the rhythm. There were never any feelings of awkward, fat, etcetera. Julianne remained positive and helpful, always explaining why or what we were doing this or that. Would I recommend a cardio barre class to people (men and women)? Yes. Absolutely and whole heartedly yes. If you are looking for a non-impact workout, definitely give this a try if it is available in your area.

How many “agains” can I get?

I know it has been said by me too many times to count, so I will zip my lips, or still my fingers, and not say that tonight I started over, again, with my trainer, AKA “Sadist.” I will say that I am trying to get my life back on track in all areas that I have let lapse over the past several months while I dealt, literally, with life and death, and leaving a career I truly enjoy at a workplace for an employer that I didn’t. It has been a challenge at times to even find the will to get out of bed, and I am now paying for that both physically and mentally. While I have already started on the mental healing (that is why there has been a sudden abundance of blog posts again: cathartic), I am now ready to start getting back to the gym to get back to a healthier (and therefore happier?) version of myself.


My biggest concern is that I will either go crazy “balls to the wall” again, and burn myself out, or I will become discouraged because, unfortunately, weight does not go away as quickly as it comes on. 43 is not an easy age to try and create/ start/ maintain a lifestyle change. There are too many habits that have formed over my lifetime that are so dang hard to break, or bend, or whatever. I think my next hurdle is to reevaluate my goals and make them realistic for myself. I still have too much weight that I need and want to lose, and I am realistic to know that I will never again find the 150 pounds that I was (when I thought that was fat) that I was in high school. I have looked at charts and the healthy weight range for my 5’11” goes from  136 – 176 pounds. I can aim for the 176 end of the scale, knowing that if I can get close to that number I will be so much better off than I am now.


When I started this entire blogging process last July, I laid myself bare and gave you all of the ugly truths in numbers about my body, but I find that I cannot do that this time around. I know it is body shaming on a personal level that is keeping me from revealing that much about my setbacks. One of these days I hope to find the courage to share my progress with you, and the numbers in the change, and honestly, I am too cowardly to step on the scale, or reach for a tape measure to get my new readings because I know they are worse than before.


I just need to keep in mind that it is a slow process, and it is not an easy one. There will be so many temptations and pitfalls along the way, but I cannot let then take run of my life like I have. So, as usual, I will keep you posted on things.


Live Bold

First, a little bit of a “Hurrah!” (in a completely nerdy way) because I am now the proud owner of the domain name, which will, I hope, make finding me and my posts here a little easier. *Like I said, a bit nerdy*


Second, I was thinking today about things, too many things to be able to fully wrap my brain around. Things and thoughts about the past and how muchI hope I have grown in the nearly a year since I started this blog. Thinking about how last summer it was solely created to focus on my quest to lose the excess fat and become a health and fit woman in her 40’s, and all my struggles with that quest from too much motivation and excitement, to far too little as I burned myself out in a short time. My blog them morphed into something that was still me, and perhaps a deeper look into the real me as I expounded on whatever came into my mind while my family was facing one of the most important and then most devastating battles we have had to face while my Mother was diagnosed with, fought with everything she had in her, and then too shortly after her diagnosis lost her battle with breast cancer. The words that flowed from my fingers onto the screen of my laptop were one of the greatest coping mechanisms I had, and I had hoped that while I was expressing my grief and all of the cycles one goes through (and I am still working through) that I would say something that someone would relate to, and maybe breathe a little easier knowing that some, if not all, of the stuff they are working through is being shared by someone else. They, you, are not alone. It happened again, for the better I hope? My words and thoughts, there is that thinking again, they transformed into more of the same randomness, but this time I am trying to focus on positives, on encouraging words when I know I need them most, and again, perhaps, someone else needs them too. Now, after having thought all my thoughts on that, and asking a couple of my friends who read my words and random thoughts, I have decided to keep on with my current blog platform that will include the random thoughts and words, plus my renewed quest for health.


The third think that I had/ have circling in my brain is my ongoing quest to, well, not better myself per se, but to better myself to the point where I start to  push my own boundaries and live a little bit bolder. My two youtube songs… My love for singing, good, bad, or ugly, I may just keep putting myself out there with my own musical stylings, Carpe Diem, and all that. Dance lessons, not just any dance lessons, but ballroom lessons. As a single. Need to find the courage to walk into that first lesson alone, and I will, because I want to live bolder. My last thing towards living bolder is writing. No, not just my blog, but putting an actual story onto paper (and hope it doesn’t suck!), but whether it does or not, at the end I will be able to claim “I did it!” and it it the sum of all these little “I did its!” that will help me to live bold, and isn’t that the point of living anyhow?