Again

Most people are familiar with the song from The Sound of Music that has Maria teaching the Von Trapp children to sing and she introduces it by saying, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” This is such a true statement unless you have started, and started, and started at the very same beginning so many times you have to wonder, why bother? This entire opening has been on a continuous loop in my brain for the past several weeks now, with the occasional interruption that answers my question of why.

 

What am I talking about? Let’s see, I am midway through my 43 year, still (or again) carrying around too many pounds on my body. There is no possible way to count the number of diets (fad, crash, or organized), workouts, etcetera that I have forced upon my body over the past 30 years or so.

 

My whole messed up body image started working its poison through my psyche in middle school. Being taller than most every student in my school did not help, and somehow, looking back in retrospect, I know there was nothing wrong with my weight back then, but it seemed the only thing I could control I could not control the growth spurts that had me standing at 5’10” in my 9 grade year, but by god, I could manipulate my weight to try and make me more “normal.” I firmly believe this is where my problems began.

 

It was not until during my first pregnancy that my weight became the giant elephant in my mind, and yet I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I desired, consequences be damned. Nine monte and 80+ pounds later, my son was born, but the weight I had accumulated was here to stay. I was unhappy with myself, and my ex-husband was unhappy with my appearance, always getting in a dig with a snide comment about what I was wearing, what I was eating, not wanting to take me out anymore because I embarrassed him with how I looked.  I have yet to outgrow, or move beyond this, and it is made worse by the fact that I am an emotional, and a boredom, eater.

 

Now I am trying to get my life back on track after a hellacious start to 2014. Back to monitoring what I shove in my mouth, back to meeting with the Sadist (assuming I can get the time correct!) to work on the strength and tone of my body, and taking steps to find a happiness that has been but a shadowy image for too long.

 

One step at a time. Breath by breath. I can’t snap my fingers, twitch my nose, or snap my fingers and find instant happiness, or health, or anything else. All I can do is work harder, stronger, and smarter, and start at the very beginning. Again.

 

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