Monthly Archives: May 2014

Lessons

One of the things that I am struggling hard within myself, and it goes hand in hand in my mind with my low self esteem, is my dislike of myself. I don’t hate myself, and the demons that tend to accompany self hate were battled back years ago, but I tend to not like myself very much, looking to find my self worth, my purpose. Some days I think I know what it is, then I will blink, sneeze, stumble, something, and think about how wrong I was. I am learning some things, however, and I am working toward applying them to myself like I would hope to help someone else who finds themselves in this sometimes murky pool of self worth when you have that low self esteem.

1. I really need to silence the voices of the past that filled my mind with lies about myself, and that I accepted I have got to find a way to recognize the value of me that my family and friends tell me is there. As Rafiki told Simba in The Lion King:

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2. There is only one me. I was born with gifts, some I have yet to uncover, but I have got to stop discounting them. I was born into this world with a purpose, I may not know what it is, or it may be to write about my ife in this  media so tat others may know they are not alone. Who knows?

3. I matter to someone, be it my family, my friends, my students, my co-workers… Someone loves me as I am.

4. My life, my destiny, are not written in stone, things can, and often should, change. This has been so crystal clear to me this school year when situations came to a point where I had to make a decision for myself, not for my students. Resigning from the campus I have spent eight years at was an easy decision when I realized I needed to do this in order to be happy. I faced one fear and am not just ending that chapter in my life, but I am closing that book and stating a new volume, one filled with blank pages.

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5. I was made to be loved and experience happiness. It is part of who we are – to keep living and keep dreaming. I deserve to find fulfilment – so I can’t give up on myself.

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Check list

I have new challenges that were issued to me for the next couple of weeks, and at least one of them unsettles me, largely because I know it is the most difficult one that I have to succeed at, and I honestly don’t know if I can do it, but I will try.

 

I have set some ongoing goals for myself, some I am starting to work on, others I am working my way to, but trying to find a way to achieve them in a reasonable, long lasting, and far reaching manner.

1. Getting back into the proper mindset of a year ago when I started on my quest to be healthier and more fit than I currently am.

2. Be creative. I am working on another end-of-year song for my campus

3. Sing out.  If I get the above done, yup, I’ll youtube myself.

4. Dance.  Because I delayed on posting tis up, it seems that fate has pointed its ear in my direction and presented me with a group on for dance lessons… I am learning to take the subtle, or not so subtle hints that are given to me and am now the owner of 10 dance lessons.

5. Write.  Chapter 1 complete

6. Do a job that satisfies me.  Interviews this week, so, fingers crossed.

7. Believe in myself. ……Work in progress…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

 

My next goal is to eliminate the negative voice that has parked itself on my shoulder and points out everything that is flawed about me, what I am doing, what makes me happy. You know what I am talking about, the voice that never shuts up. How can I find my way to getting rid of that voice?

 

There is one more goal, the whopper in my way, that I see myself struggling the most with over the next weeks, months, years, and honestly, right now I am embarrassed? ashamed? to put it out there for you all, but knowing me? I will.

 

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Again

Most people are familiar with the song from The Sound of Music that has Maria teaching the Von Trapp children to sing and she introduces it by saying, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” This is such a true statement unless you have started, and started, and started at the very same beginning so many times you have to wonder, why bother? This entire opening has been on a continuous loop in my brain for the past several weeks now, with the occasional interruption that answers my question of why.

 

What am I talking about? Let’s see, I am midway through my 43 year, still (or again) carrying around too many pounds on my body. There is no possible way to count the number of diets (fad, crash, or organized), workouts, etcetera that I have forced upon my body over the past 30 years or so.

 

My whole messed up body image started working its poison through my psyche in middle school. Being taller than most every student in my school did not help, and somehow, looking back in retrospect, I know there was nothing wrong with my weight back then, but it seemed the only thing I could control I could not control the growth spurts that had me standing at 5’10” in my 9 grade year, but by god, I could manipulate my weight to try and make me more “normal.” I firmly believe this is where my problems began.

 

It was not until during my first pregnancy that my weight became the giant elephant in my mind, and yet I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I desired, consequences be damned. Nine monte and 80+ pounds later, my son was born, but the weight I had accumulated was here to stay. I was unhappy with myself, and my ex-husband was unhappy with my appearance, always getting in a dig with a snide comment about what I was wearing, what I was eating, not wanting to take me out anymore because I embarrassed him with how I looked.  I have yet to outgrow, or move beyond this, and it is made worse by the fact that I am an emotional, and a boredom, eater.

 

Now I am trying to get my life back on track after a hellacious start to 2014. Back to monitoring what I shove in my mouth, back to meeting with the Sadist (assuming I can get the time correct!) to work on the strength and tone of my body, and taking steps to find a happiness that has been but a shadowy image for too long.

 

One step at a time. Breath by breath. I can’t snap my fingers, twitch my nose, or snap my fingers and find instant happiness, or health, or anything else. All I can do is work harder, stronger, and smarter, and start at the very beginning. Again.

 

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Craziness

The past week in my life has been nothing short of crazy, but in a very good way. Okay, okay, I know I have talked about my life in upheaval since January, and while the powerful emotions that accompany grief still break through my filters from time to time, I think (hope) I have cleared a high hurdle, and I came away relatively unscathed, except for a bruise here and there.

Mother’s Day weekend here in the states was rough. My weekend started on that Saturday when my daughter and I entered the Susan G. Komen 5K Race For the Cure, which is for raising funds and awareness of breast cancer. This battle that took Mama’s life so quickly was one of the most difficult things I have had to start, especially so soon after her loss, but I did it, one step at a time. Celebrating my first Mother’s Day that Sunday without my Mom to call… Yeah, you can guess, but I had my daughter with me to keep me distracted and mostly happy.

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Pre-race

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Last Monday was the beginning and ending of my work week , so I obviously sat through the day with a “cat that ate the canary” smile on my face.

Tuesday I was “sick” *cough* and took the day off so I could move into a larger apartment with room for my Dad and I since he came back to Texas. A busy day filled with loading, moving, unloading, and unpacking. Whew!

Finally came Wednesday, the day I had been anticipating for months. Flying off to New Orleans for a convention and  an opportunity to meet up with a fabulous group of women for five days of fun, food, convention. Yeah, yeah, yeah, conventions are never fun, but when it is a convention of romance writers, readers, and their cover models? It does get fun. I spent  five days walking all over the French Quarter, downtown, and the Garden District, eating, drinking, and learning.

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Some of the Men I met

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New Orleans is famous for its cemetaries

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A magnolia blossom

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Pat O’Brian’s hurricanes and cyclones

 

While I sit here at my dining room table and process allI have learned over the past week, and look forward to my last 13 days in my school district, I know that life will continue to roller coaster on me, but I have enough faith in myself not that I can handle it.