Equilibrium Lost

Blogging. Writing. Two things that I love to do, but suddenly I find myself wordless, without focus. Adrift on a blank page with no witty terms or phrases to build the bridge from one side of the page across to the other. A wonderful friend of mine said that I just need to recharge my muse, but I am afraid that they have taken a cruise around the globe, on a very slow boat.

Not only am I muted in my thoughts, but I have entered the crazy, exhausting, mindless last grading period of the year; the time when the kids have already checked out for summer vacation. (Okay, to be completely honest, so have many of the teachers.) It is in this exhausting, brainless time that I realize my body is so physically exhausted that it is virtually indescribable.

I suspect that one way to get my muse’s butt off her slow boat, and reverse some of my body’s exhaustion, is to start getting my rear back into the gym for regular workouts, even if it is a minimal 30 minutes for a day; some physical activity (verses what I have been doing recently, i.e. nothing) is better than the none.

It is hard, though, to admit my failure here. Publicly. I set out a year ago with a goal in mind, and went full out, balls to the wall, towards it, and burned myself out. I let the holidays take control of my discipline, then a family tragedy, followed by turning in my resignation at work, more or less took care of the rest.

Maybe I have that wrong? I should not look at it as failures. My life went completely 180* off course in just a few short months, and this has caused my body to fall out of sync. I will continue to try and find my words while I try to find myself in the process. I guess we will see if I can find myself again, together.



I’ll Get Through It


Have you ever felt that you needed a fortune teller to point you in the correct direction? What path do I take? Will I ever find love? Will I be happy with my career choice? Will I ever be rich and famous? Who? What? Where? When? Why? Where is “The Great Karnak” when I need him most?

I am in a state of flux between being so happy that I am nearing the end of a book which, over the past 2 and a half years, has left me feeling unhappy, bitter, and miserable, moving through everyday with the “honey badger don’t give a ****” attitude, and feeling so sad about leaving another one of my families, one that has seen me through so many ups and downs over the past eight years… My emotions feel like the pulls on a grandfather clock.

I am further confused (okay, scared) about the unpaved road that lies ahead of me. Will I be able to find a new home for me, continuing with a career that I love? Or am I destined to struggle into a new one at this point in my life? Can I do it?

Then there is the dream that I want to attempt to grab, and pray that what I am holding does not sift through my fingers, my hands, like water, or fine sand. My dream relies on my words, the jumbled up blatherings that crowd my head, looking for escape… Yet, with everything that has happened in my life over the past four months, the past five weeks? I am not certain I can find my way back to those words.

I know that I control, to a small part, my own destiny. I just wish my choices were less blurry to me in the now.