Broken Silence

After a long silence from me, I find myself wanting to get back to writing those rambling thoughts that often seem to just work their way down from my brain and out my fingers when I sit with my open blog wondering what to write about. As I have said before, this is my blog, I will write what I need or want to, and if anyone does not like it, there are so many others that are there for the reading.  If you follow my blog, you know that I share a lot of stuff about myself. Hell, I post my weight ups and downs for anyone who is struggling along with me to share, and to know that they are not alone.  But this one might be different; I say might because I am not entirely sure what is going to pop onto my screen here, I know what is in my head and my heart, but there is so much discombobulation in my psyche right now, it’s like a crap shoot. I guess we will both find out together.

Back in October I wrote a post about breast cancer awareness, stressing the importance of monthly self checks, seeing your doctors, etc. November flew past with just my usual mindless ramblings, and then December hit.  You see, over Christmas my parents informed me that a mass had been found in my Mothers breast, and she was scheduled to have a biopsy on January 6 to know what was happening. It was determined that Mama had a 5cm (2 inch) mass in her breast that was, in fact, stage 2 and malignant. I wont get into all of the particulars, but we now knew that she had breast cancer.

So many things happened over the next 6 weeks, and yet through it all, my Mama remained so beautifully optimistic about life, her treatments, and her future… Her body was not as strong as her mind was, and on February 9 her body rebelled against the chemotherapy. She became so weak, and it was something she was unable to overcome, and I lost my Mama, my best friend, after a very brief, yet fierce,  battle. Nine weeks. Nine freaking weeks.

Now I sit here, nine days after I lost her, and five days after we laid her to rest, looking at the realities that are staring me in the face.

I have been on emotional eating over load for the past ten weeks, so scared to look at a scale, but I know that I can not continue like this. Healthy and fit are words and actions that must find their way back into my daily routine. I have let go of everything that I had accomplished, sabotaging  myself in every way imaginable. I have to live for my children, for my father, and ultimately for myself. I can not live like this.

I need to start following my dreams. I gave up on so much when I was married, and lost so much of myself after my divorce. I know there are dreams that I am too old to reach now, but I also know that there are some dreams that are ageless. What type of example am I for my children if I just give up, let my dreams slip through my fingers like water in my palm? Reaching some of the dreams may prove difficult, and I may not be able to reach them all, but I will be able to say that I tried. And some attempts may turn out to be shite, but I will never know unless / until I try, and then I can say I did it.

I guess what all of this is about is whatever obstacles we face, whatever grief, sorrow, self doubts, etc come our way, life has to go on.

3:9:14

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2 thoughts on “Broken Silence

  1. It is scary how from one moment to the other priorities suddenly change and life isn’t the same. It sometimes happens so fast that it seems we blinked and the lights have gone out. You said something important up there – you have to live for yourself. And I said it before in the last days and I say it again. While you live for yourself in the first place, you don’t have to do it alone. It takes a village to live and not to break. There is a Hamlet waiting for you, use it. And for the quote you chose (and so you don’t feel to bad about rambling here you can see that I do it all the time): http://wp.me/p1kDns-2w

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