Monthly Archives: March 2014

Think Positive

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I have received so many beautiful words about my attitude over the past several hours since I wrote my last post, which has humbled me so much and I thank everyone who has contacted me.

 

I have two options for the way I look at life and the curve balls that it is so fond of throwing at me, and I have done each one. I can view the upcoming end as a disaster, one worthy of closeting myself up, hiding from the world, ashamed and embarrassed because I have suddenly reached “THE END.” Or, and this is the one I much prefer, I can view it as a new beginning, a clean slate, a blank page just waiting for the words of my life to be written on it. It is, as the picture above states, picking up the pieces, freeing myself up for something better, for the students I would have taught, for my children, and for me.

 

Yes, I am sorry to see the end of this…book. But, even though my story is on going; it’s still unwritten.

 

 

 

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Options

Somehow it seems that out of what has the potential to be my /our darkest moments God, fate- whatever you may call it- has a way to show us that things are surmountable, if we are just willing to try. To trust.

endings

My life has gone, as I have mentioned in previous posts, ass over elbows since January 6. Over the past weeks I have suffered some personal losses that cut me too deeply. They, well, I thought at the time that they had broken me. Too much, too fast, and I had no idea how I would be able to handle it. It was this past week, when more bad news came my way, that I anticipated this latest shoe to drop, and it did.

This year has already had enough climbs and falls to rival the best roller coasters, but it is a ride I am more than eager to get off of, and look for a smoother one, and now I can.

Things, whether good or bad, seem to happen in threes, and this week had the expected third blow, and it came, stretched out over the week, but it was finally put into words on Friday morning. This deluge of bad that has been my companion for 2014 would have, once upon a time, knocked me so far down into depression that I would be lost for a long time, but not this time. This time I have come out with a sense of peace that I have not felt over the past two and a half years.

I am sitting here looking at the next nine weeks wondering if this is the end of this chapter in my book, ready to start writing a new chapter in a different location, or is this the end of this book in what will be a series of stories in my life? Do I stay with the career I have enjoyed for the past ten years, just move it somewhere else? Or do I branch out, try something all together new? Do I take my hobby and put the words, people, and stories in my head on paper? There are so many options that I have, things I would have been too scared to really contemplate, until now.

There is one option- no, it is not an option, or it shouldn’t be- that I am facing now. Again. I have to get back the mental attitude that I embraced last year to get healthy and fit. I let that and myself go. I stopped living for me. It is this me that I once again need to find and celebrate.

So here I am, maybe a little stronger than I realized, unbroken after everything, looking at the options I have in front of me, and you know what? I’m still pretty damn happy with it.

Broken Silence

After a long silence from me, I find myself wanting to get back to writing those rambling thoughts that often seem to just work their way down from my brain and out my fingers when I sit with my open blog wondering what to write about. As I have said before, this is my blog, I will write what I need or want to, and if anyone does not like it, there are so many others that are there for the reading.  If you follow my blog, you know that I share a lot of stuff about myself. Hell, I post my weight ups and downs for anyone who is struggling along with me to share, and to know that they are not alone.  But this one might be different; I say might because I am not entirely sure what is going to pop onto my screen here, I know what is in my head and my heart, but there is so much discombobulation in my psyche right now, it’s like a crap shoot. I guess we will both find out together.

Back in October I wrote a post about breast cancer awareness, stressing the importance of monthly self checks, seeing your doctors, etc. November flew past with just my usual mindless ramblings, and then December hit.  You see, over Christmas my parents informed me that a mass had been found in my Mothers breast, and she was scheduled to have a biopsy on January 6 to know what was happening. It was determined that Mama had a 5cm (2 inch) mass in her breast that was, in fact, stage 2 and malignant. I wont get into all of the particulars, but we now knew that she had breast cancer.

So many things happened over the next 6 weeks, and yet through it all, my Mama remained so beautifully optimistic about life, her treatments, and her future… Her body was not as strong as her mind was, and on February 9 her body rebelled against the chemotherapy. She became so weak, and it was something she was unable to overcome, and I lost my Mama, my best friend, after a very brief, yet fierce,  battle. Nine weeks. Nine freaking weeks.

Now I sit here, nine days after I lost her, and five days after we laid her to rest, looking at the realities that are staring me in the face.

I have been on emotional eating over load for the past ten weeks, so scared to look at a scale, but I know that I can not continue like this. Healthy and fit are words and actions that must find their way back into my daily routine. I have let go of everything that I had accomplished, sabotaging  myself in every way imaginable. I have to live for my children, for my father, and ultimately for myself. I can not live like this.

I need to start following my dreams. I gave up on so much when I was married, and lost so much of myself after my divorce. I know there are dreams that I am too old to reach now, but I also know that there are some dreams that are ageless. What type of example am I for my children if I just give up, let my dreams slip through my fingers like water in my palm? Reaching some of the dreams may prove difficult, and I may not be able to reach them all, but I will be able to say that I tried. And some attempts may turn out to be shite, but I will never know unless / until I try, and then I can say I did it.

I guess what all of this is about is whatever obstacles we face, whatever grief, sorrow, self doubts, etc come our way, life has to go on.

3:9:14