Adventures in Derp

A friend of mine who follows my blog told me that, while I keep following this difficult road that I am on with my diet and exercise, I should also discuss how I am further pushing myself to expand the box that I currently live in. I’ll recap for anyone who is new to my blog and my crazy, shy, introverted life.

I am 43 years old

I have a 20 year old and a 15 year old

I have been divorced for 10 years

As I stated above, I am very shy

One of the things I want to change (besides the weight and shape of myself) is the lonliness. I am tired of being alone, except for my kids. I have to tell you, that it really sucks being at this point in my life, knowing I have a lot to offer the right person, but being so stupidly shy that I might never get out there and meet them.

One step I took to meet more people was to get a second job working part time on the weekends at a home improvement store. This has worked, I have had the opportunity to meet some fabulous individuals there. I am not shy there, don’t ask me why not because I have no idea; it is just another facet to me. Here is the (okay, one of the odd things) thing about me: I am friendly by nature. I love to make people smile; I flirt. I flirt as long as no one flirts back, if that happens, I turn into a giant blob of “Derp.” Yes, you read that correctly, I turn into a derp.

My friend reminded me that while I am not the only woman hoping and struggling to lose weight and get fit, nor am I the only woman in this boat who is lonely and trying to maneuver the awful 21st century dating pool while being in my mid 40’s. She suggested that I write about that too, and why not? Everyone deserves a good laugh once in a while, so why not today, and at my expense? I certainly laughed about it after it happened…

There I was, bright and early Saturday morning at work when in walks this man who I had helped previously and thought, “WOW! He is good looking!” He comes to the registers to check out and I am standing there with my supervisor, who is watching. I start my usual flirty chatter with him when, all of a sudden, he flirts back! What do you think happened to my brain? Yup, it vanished and I turned into a derp. My supervisor was trying to help me out, and I finally reengaged my brain from derp-mode, just as he was finishing up. When he left, she, my supervisor, looked at me like WTH?!? Yes, I morphed into a 12 year old derp.

Oh, she had paid attention and set a plan in motion. Yes, I knew she was going to work on it for me, but who knew it would happen just a couple of hours later? I’m helping customers, doing my job when he comes back in and tells me he’s back. “Oh, lord, please let me avoid the derp,” was what I kept thinking, but I figured he would check out through someone else’s line, so I had nothing to worry about. WRONG! Apparently she found him in the store and told him to come back through my line and try again (thank gawd I did not know this at the time!), and he did! There I am, helping him out, again, and flirting, this time without the derp.

Do I think that I stand a snowballs chance in hell with this man? No.

Did I survive flirting with him? Yes.

Did I learn anything about myself in the process? I don’t know. I guess that I will know the answer to this question the next time I see him. I hope that at the very least I developed a small bit of self confidence when faced with an attractive man.

Why did I put this out there on the world wide web for everyone to read? No, it was not for any sort of entertainment value. It is so men and women in this boat with me know that, even if you do morph into the derp, you can overcome it, even if it only for just a small bit of time. There is a world out there that is waiting for me, us, to live in it. My appearance, my insecurities, my whatever you want to call it, will only hold me back as long as I let it. I need to have faith in myself that when I put myself out there, life will not cease, that in fact, I may finally find the me that blends all of my pieces together perfectly so the whole me can shine.



My weight is creeping up. I know why; I know exactly why. I am a stress eater. I am an emotional eater. I have not been getting to the gym like I know that I should be (its been too damn cold!). My school district has only had one full 5 -day week of school since November thanks to the freakishly cold and wet winter that so many people have been experiencing.  I really do not want to go to the gym and get sweaty, only to get cold as soon as I go back outdoors to my car (Yes, I know I can work out at home, but I always fear I will anger my downstairs neighbor).

The eating thing is so wrong. I had kept crap in my house, using it as comfort food in my families time of high stress. I have cleaned out the crap. Tossed it, okay 99% of it (I kept the Oreos) into the trash.

I look at where I was so many months ago, I follow the path I was taking and look at where I went so very wrong. I look at the so many times “I am going to start over” and I get so discouraged, so disgusted with myself. I wonder whether it is really worth the energy and effort? I let the same old negative voices in my head take over. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am not the only 43 year old who wants to make changes, who starts, and then fails. I don’t want to fail anymore! But I swear, for the life of me, I do not know how to carry on, or even start now.

Yup, the good and the bad are hashing it out in my brain. For now, while the cage match goes on between those two, I will trudge forward, then back, like a sloppy and poorly choreographed two-step, and perhaps someone reading this will find the words that inspire me, or I will find the inspiration back in myself.