The above is something that I am trying to work on while I take on this get healthy, get fit challenge of mine. Another thing I need to work on about myself, along with my body image, is my self esteem. It, well, I’ll be honest again, it sucks. Big time. As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I was always taller, geekier, dorkier than others, and their reaction to me did little to help my self esteem. And now?
I really don’t know. A lot about this experience is self discovery. I have been divorced for almost a decade and I am still trying to figure out who I am now. At work I can, and do, flirt and have a grand time. It is all innocent and safe. I’ve no concerns there. Put me in a one on one situation and I am suddenly the shy, awkward girl from my youth. Here, in the anonymity of my blog I am honest with myself and with you all. Still highly flawed, but I will admit them here, face them, and ultimately, defeat them. On line? Well, thats another side of me that I have really just unleashed since November.
See, I am the girl who would rather look down than see the looks that I perceive to be there. I am the one who, more often than not, listens to the voices in my own head pointing out what I have done wrong, or could have done better. I really try to brush aside compliments because I have no idea how to accept them. I know all of this, I have had it pointed out to me by my friends. I wonder if this is linked directly, or indirectly, to my weight battle and my desire for a healthier life?
I am going to start looking for the good in myself, no mater how small. I will celebrate the small victories I make daily. I will admit my mistakes and move on, not dwelling on them.
I hope that someone out there has the strength in them self to do this, too.