I need a do over for so many things in my life. “If I could do this again, I would do it differently.” “If I could have just attempted that when I’d had the chance.” My life is filled with so many “if only’s” and “what ifs?” I wonder if I really would have put myself out there, taken a chance? Even if I had failed, I would at least have the knowledge today that I actually tried something, rather than be afraid of the failure.
Even my weight ups and downs are reflective of this fear. It’s stupid really. They are based on insecurities that I have about myself. I will go balls to the wall for something, and as I inch ever closer to the end, to that ultimate goal of whatever it is, those old thoughts of “what if it’s (I’m) not good enough at the finish?” Those thoughts crowding together, creating such doubt and noise in my mind that I will, inevitably, quit, no matter how far from, or close to the goal I am.
My biggest downfall is my own body perception. I am the biggest, loudest cheerleader for my friends, for my students hopefully encouraging them and believing in them, reminding them of the beauty, power, strength that they each hold, hoping that my words take root and grow and blossom onto a sense of self that I have been missing for so many years. Tonight I saw a picture of one of my friends who was looking completely amazing, another of our friends saw my comment agreed, and then, somehow, with just 11 words, he managed to knock the breath out of my and bring tears to my eyes. He is totally unaware of what those words meant to me tonight.
So instead of sitting here thinking about what I want to rewind, erase, or do over in my life, I’m going to look at this as another step forward. Every pound, every inch I lose is a victory. Every post I write, no matter whether its read or not, is a victory. Maybe I can finally get those voices in my head to say silent.