A New Year, kinda

Here we are *toots a horn* five days into a brand spanking new year; aren’t you excited? I mean, with me at least, every “new year” is the same thing over and over: I resolve to be more active, have more fun, push out the walls of comfort and live a little, find my inner happiness, write, exercise, lose weight, etcetera. A few years ago, when I started blogging (before I quit for a year), I had reached a low point in my life. I was so disgusted with myself and the way my life was turning out, and how I was shaping up. I made a commitment to myself, and those who read my blog, to share my journey through diet and exercise hell, all in the hopes of liking myself. I had great success at first, going to the gym almost manically, losing something like 14 pounds ij the first month, but then I gave up on myself as my life took a tragic turn, and I started funneling all of the emotions into writing rather than keeping up with the much needed exercise.

I’ve watched myself turn back into the borderline morbidly obese woman that I had once tried so hard to beat, and I guess you could say that I have beat her… I am now bigger than I was back then; the scale and the measuring tape with say so. I made the decision the week before Christmas o try something new after the festivities of the new year were done. I saw an add on FB for a dance studio offering an introductory ballroom lesson for $49 and I jumped on it. Monday. January 2, was the next “new” start. I say this because I decided to take to heart the posts I kept seeing on FB saying that, on January 1, it was the start of a new 365 page story, write a good one. Well, I worked on New Years Day, so my new story started on January 2… I went to that dance lesson and I.Loved. It. I’m ready to go back again, have some more fun, awaken muscles that haven’t been used since the 1990’s! Yes, I was a sweaty mess, yes, I was clumsy, but I still left smiling.

But wait, there’s more (stop grumbling)! I also joined a new gym, one that is closer to where I live withe better, and much more, equipment than the last one had. Of course, when you join a gym, you get your “free consultation with a personal trainer,” and yep, I bit the bullet and bought a month of training, three times a week. Today was the first session with him, Sam. He might just fall into the category of Sadist, just like my original one was all those years ago.

I didn’t cry, not this morning, and not since then, at least not yet. We did the weight, body fat, and measurements today. It was bad; real bad. He was kind, telling me that he didn’t have to tell me the numbers, but if I’m going to give this another try, then I have to own the numbers. And, like last time, I will not hide anything from myself in tis blog. I’ll share the fun, the tears, the failures, the successes,  the gains, and the losses. I will say that I HOPE to #giveit100 – we will see together, so far I’m completed 3 days.

Here is the ugly truth: Weight -247.2  Body fat- 40 Neck -17 1/2 inches Waist-46 inches Hips- 50 inches

As I said, I’ve not cried. Yet.

 

 

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Green

I swear I go through moods, and ideas, and themes, like a toddler in a candy store. I am back in the “I don’t really like myself as I am” phase, so I am trying something that a nurse recommended to try. “What is it?” you ask. Well, let me tell you, this is a blended to liquid mixture of about 3 cups raw spinach, 3 pineapple chunks, and 1 banana. It’s, honestly, not terrible, but the texture is odd. You cannot taste the greens, but if you decide to try this, be warned about the texture. (The nurse did warn me that the would go “right through me” so I am sticking close to home. Depending on how I do with this, I may try to incorporate it into my daily routine as a meal; see if it helps me lose some of myself.

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Dissatisfied

Here I sit, almost halfway through another year thinking about all of the “I promises,” and “I will’s” that I have told either myself, mu friends, or my family members, and being afraid to admit to how many I’ve failed at, either by starting and then stopping, or just flat out refusing to start. Until tonight.

I was reading a discussion thread  which said “… You are the CEO of You, Inc.” This really got me to thinking about all of the things that make up me; what brings me joy, saddened, anger, goals I’ve set and reached, or fallen way short of. I have to tell you that, when you are at a certain point in your life, that is a scary view. Allow me to give myself a performance evaluation.

I’ve written. I love writing, but I let it slip through my hands because of self doubt. If I were still teaching, I would encourage my students to keep going, to reach, because, even if they quit believing in themselves, I believe in them. Below expectations.

My health. I can already tell you this one is a huge failure. I go, and go, and go, and get bored and discouraged because I do not see any results so I quit. I know it is a slow process, but it does not matter. Below expectations.

Job. Well, this one is difficult to evaluate because I left my job a month ago for a new one. I know that, given the proper equipment and opportunity I will succeed, but as of now, I’m just “there.” Meets expectations.

There’s a new one that i’ve added recently, and that is going back to school for my Master’s degree. One and one half classes complete and I’m glad I took this leap to better myself. Above expectations.

There you have it. I meed to get back into the swing of things, and into taking better care of what matters to me. I hope this time I can follow through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYj40-cZ5vI

 

 

Route Recalculating

“Route recalculating. Please proceed to the highlighted route.” I don’t know how many times my GPS has told me that when I’ve missed an exit, gotten locked into a lane by traffic, or construction moves the exit/ road I’m searching for. This time, however, it was my own internal, mental GPS that continued off course, despite the pleadings to make a safe U-turn and proceed to the highlighted route.

I’ve been away from so much that I enjoy doing, and take solace from! Things that help clear my crazed, cluttered, confused, and weary mind. This journaling, blogging, creating, writing has just been pushed aside while I celebrated family, moved family in with me, had surgery, worked like crazy, and made so much other stuff, and many other people, priorities over myself. I don’t begrudge any of it, by the way, I just need to move myself up a little further on the list.

I need to find time (and energy) to step out and take a walk, or ride a bike. To do something to help bring my body back to where it should be. I know the benefits I’d gain physically, but I tend to discount the mental benefits as well.

I know I can’t get there from here. Time to listen to the GPS and get back on the right road.